Mrs What?
by Chunk127
Summary: Xander and Willow wake up on a spaceship after a rough night to unwelcome surprises.
1. Chapter 1

Buffy: Post Chosen

Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds

Angel: Post Not Fade Away

And this saves me a line or two all three are owned by Joss Whedon.

* * *

Mal was walking through Serenity. They shot a couple bandits got drunk all in all a very good time. Mal walks to the cargo bay and to his surprise he sees a smuggler on board sleeping leaned against the wall. Black hair, eye patch down and dirty clothes he wasn't a worker but it still doesn't explain how he got on board.

Mal nudged the guy trying to wake him up. "Hey what are you doing on my boat?

The pirate struggled to open his eye. When he did he saw an unexpected sight. "Gos se" The pirate wasted no time and punched Mal right in the nose.

Mal held his face see this is why he hates moons unwanted people and rude ones at that. "Nee TZAO ss-MA? Nee-YOW wuh-KAI CHANG?"

The pirate froze in his tracks well that's certainly different. His mind quickly remembers that he's dead and looked down. "Sorry I thought you were someone else. But if you were him you wouldn't even feel that punch."

"Someone else?" Mal glared at him holding his nose. "Does this someone owe you money?"

The pirate shook his head no. "No, but he did make me the pretty man I am today when he wasn't gutting little girls. You're lucky I wasn't armed. Where am I anyway?"

Mal easily backed off if what he said was true Mal would of come out swinging as well. "I'm Captain Malcolm Reynolds and you're on my ship Serenity."

The pirate's eye lit up, not good. "You mean we're not on Triumph anymore?"

Mal nodded his head. "Took off not twenty minutes ago."

The pirate ran is hand through his hair. "You have to go back I left a friend on that moon."

The two are cut off by a scream Xander recognizes as he runs up to the bunks with Mal in pursuit. Mal watches as the pirate kicks open the ladder to Jayne's bunk and slides down. Mal follows after him and to his surprise he sees Jayne in a morning after situation with a redhead.

"Well you don't have to turn back now." The pirate offered weakly. "Is there something you want to tell us Will?"

Willow glared at her best friend he is lucky there's no earth nearby. "Alexander Harris I will deal with you in a moment." She started shouting. "Until then take the other two guys with you and get out!"

Mal, Xander, and Jayne waited outside with Jayne in nothing but pants. Jayne turned around and walked right into a fist thrown by Xander. Mal pushed Xander away knowing that was probably heat of the moment. "Stop punching me and my crew or I'll put a bullet in you."

Xander stared at Jayne angrily. "You crewman raped my best friend."

"The hell I did… or at least I don't reckkon I did." Jayne replied knife in hand.

Mal stared at Xander. "Those are strong accusations Alexander. I hope you can back them up."

"OK first off it's Xander. Second it's all the little signs the look in her eyes. the fact that she woke up screaming, and oh yeah here's a good reason she's gay."

Jayne looked at Xander. "She's sly she didn't seem sly last night."

Mal rolled his eyes and let Xander go to his surprise he caught Jayne's knife hand with one hand and hit him with the other.

"Gorramit kid stop hitting me." Jayne shouted.

Willow came up and broke the two up. "Xander! We both know I could do far worst to him. There were no bruises on either of us so whatever happened last night was consensual OK... and why are you chummy wwith Caleb."

"Well Jayne is a girl's name maybe you got so drunk you couldn't see the face." Xander conceded. "and that's not Caleb."

"Well Jayne ain't a girl." Jayne replied upset.

Mal fought off a laugh and walked everyone back down to the cargo bay considering how angry the red head looked he doesn't he wants to know about this Caleb. Xander was pressing Willow for information. "Come on Will you have to remember something."

Willow shrugged. "Xander all I remember is me and another girl dancing for you and Jayne."

Xander had another thought on how they got here like how they got to the future originally. "You didn't make your mudslides did you?"

"Emphatically not lesson learned." Willow replied they'd be in the year 3000. "There's a red head behind you."

"There was a redhead behind me last night?" Xander asked he didn't remember that last night just a dark haired girl that defined grace.

Willow rolled her eyes. "No doofus" she pointed behind him "there's a red head hiding behind you."

Mal and Xander turn around and bend down to look. They do see a redhead which startles Mal as he falls back. Mal bit his lip he's getting sick of all these passengers on his ship. "Who the hell are you?"

"What do you mean?" The woman asked.

Mal rolled his eyes. "Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?"

The girl looked at him confused. "But... you know I'm to cleave to you...?"

"To-whubba-who?" Mal asked.

"Did Elder Gommen not tell you?" The woman asked.

"Tell me what? Who are you?" Mal asked his own set of questions.

The girl looked to him nervously. "Mr. Reynolds, sir… I'm your wife."

Xander just had an innocent chuckle until Willow slapped him.

* * *

The woman continued to explain. "I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock..."

Mal was trying to clear his head what exactly happened last night. "I'm-I'm sorry. Go back to the part...Where you're my wife?"

"I don't please you?" The woman asked.

Mal rolled his eyes. "You can't please me. You never met me." Mal watches as Zoe enters the cargo bay. "Zoe, why do I have a wife?"

Jayne was curious Mal got a wife all he got is that dumb ass stick sounds like its raining and a one night stand he can't even remember with a sly girl apparently. "How come you got a wife?"

Mal rolled his eyes. "I didn't." He looks to the redhead. "We're not married."

The redhead looked at Mal sadly. "I'm sorry that I shame you."

"You don't shame me!" Mal replied as he turned to Zoe. "Zoe, would you get Wash?"

Zoe walks to the comm. set hits it, and then: "This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Mal's eyes lit up in surprise now she grows a sense of humor. "Whoa, whoa, all I said_ Wash_."

Zoe had a grin on her face that would likely have to be surgically removed. "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss."

"There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl!" Mal defended himself.

"Then can I know her?" Jayne asked running a finger through her clothes getting slapped across the back of the head by Willow as a result.

Zoe laughed at the actions of the apparent new recruit. "Jayne! Don't sully this."

Mal was muttering under breath. "You are gonna be cleaning latrines with your face you don't knock that off."

Xander watches the new people come in first up was an elderly man with a ponytail. Xander isn't sure what they're called here but he knows he's the equivalent of a priest. After him was a very peppy girl with short brown hair too peppy to be here. The next person well kind of reminded Xander of Wesley only early Wesley not the Wesley Willow saw last. Xander made a mental note to ask the next person about where he got his shirt. He can't find those Hawaiian shirts on any moon. The last person was definitely a companion Xander tried to hire one but the eyepatch freaked her out.

"Who are the new recruits?" The preacher asked.

Zoe held the redheaded woman front and center. "Everybody, I want you all to meet... Mrs. Reynolds."

Xander watched as the short haired girl gasps excitedly. The companion however looked less than pleased. Jayne took the time to introduce them. Zoe was the one that put this whole thing together, Wash was her husband and the guy needs to talk to about his current attire. The Wesley looking guy is called Simon. The preacher is called Book, The little joy machine is Kaylee and the companion is Inara.

**"**You got married?!" Kaylee practically squealed out.

Simon looked at him not sure what to say. "Well, that's, uh..." He's still searching for the right words. "Congratulations."

Xander just laughed until Mal glared at him and he stopped.

"We'd always hoped you two kids would get together." Wash added as he turned to Mal. "Who is she?"

"She's no one!"

The red head bursts into tears.

Kaylee looked at Mal appalled. "Captain"

Mal turned to the gir desperatel. "Would you stop that?"

"I'm sorry." Saffron said wiping tears from her eyes.

Wash turned to Mal and chuckled. "You brute."

Kaylee hugged the girl tight. "Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster."

"I'm not a monster!" Wash, Xander, Willow, and Jayne all laughed at that as Mal turned to Wash. "Wash, turn the ship around."

"Can't." Walsh replied.

Mal looked at him. "That's an order." He doesn't need so many people on his boat anyway."

"Yeah, but can't." Walsh replied.

Book turned to Simon. "Have you got an encyclopedia?"

Simon nods and gives it to Book.

Wash meanwhile was going through why they couldn't turn back. "Alliance touched down the second after we left, and there's already a bulletin on the cortex as to the murder of a prefect's nephew. That's right; one of our bandits has family ties. So unless you feel like walk into a gallows, I suggest we continue on to Beaumonde, and _you_... enjoy your honeymoon.

Mal was just stuck in a surprise face. "This isn't happening." He looks at the girl. "Would you stop cryin'?"

Inara rolled her eyes. "For god's sake, Mal. could you be a human being for thirty seconds?"

Wash looked to Mal. "As one married man to another…"

"I'm not married!" Mal shouted before taking a moment and turning to the girl. "I'm sorry. You-you have very nice qualities, but I didn't ever marry you."

Book was finished with the encyclopedia and just focused on the captain. "I believe you did. Last night."

Mal takes Jayne aside and whispered. "How drunk was I last night?"

Jayne simply shrugged. "Well I dunno. I passed out with a redhead I don't even know."

Book was reading the encyclopedia. "It says here" He starts reading. 'The woman lays a wreath upon her intended' "Which I do recall" He goes back to reading the book. 'Which represents his sovereignty.'

Mal turned to Saffron. "That was you?"

Most of the crew was laughing except for Xander, Jayne, and Willow as they all share uncomfortable looks with each other. This is so not good.

Book continues reading. "And he drinks of _her_ wine. And then there's a dance, with a joining of hands. The marriage ceremony of the Triumph settlers. You, sir, are a newlywed."

Mal looked in shock for a moment before he Willow and Jayne asked. "What's it say in there about divorce?"

Upset, the girl runs from the cargo bay.

Zoe turned to Jayne. "Why did you ask about divorce?"

Jayne looked nervous and started explaining. "Well… last night me and this other redhead might have gotten ourselves hitched."

"And consummated the marriage." Willow added weakly for the Shepard in case he needed to hear it.

Xander shrugged feeling bad for Willow. "Well don't worry Willow I'm sure there's something in there about divorce right."

"You know if that dance got us married. Then that means you're married too." Willow pointed out.

Xander shrugged. "Probably but since she's not here I'm guessing we left her on Triumph. So unless the Captain is taking us back, there isn't really all that much I can do right now. I'll freak out when we go back to Triumph."

Willow smiled seeing another woman enter that she did recognize. "Yeah… you hang onto that thought."

Xander rolled his eyes it's not lie he went hey I'm getting married. "Look it's not like I planned this we both know I didn't." Willow simply shrugged realizing he's right Xander just views himself as too damaged to marry ever since Anya. "There just isn't much I can do right now." Xander is brought out of his thoughts by a female hand grabbing his arm. Xander turned around and saw the beautiful girl from last night dressed in a blue dress and combat boots.

Simon looked at them confused. "River?"

Xander just muttered under breath. "This was so much funnier when it was just happening to Willow and the Captain."

River was much more comfortable with the situation and blurted out. "We're married."

Xander groaned as River stepped out of the way. He turned around and well… slowly, briskly dodged a punch thrown by the doctor. He catches Simon's arm with one hand and quickly grabs his throat with the other walking backwards and pinning the young man to the wall causing Jayne and River to smirk at the sight.

Mal looked at Xander. "You hurt our doctor ain't no one going to put you together again if I shoot you dong ma."

Xander released Simon who went to hit him again.

Mal sighed and grabbed the doctor from behind. "Take it easy doc."

"Take it easy." Simon shouted before turning to Xander. "How in tyen shiao-duh did you end up married to my sister?"

Mal pulled him back mainly because he doesn't want to be down a medic. "Easy there doc I imagine everyone here is just as surprised about their nuptials as I am."

Xander frowned realizing that this woman is his wife. "At the risk of upsetting a crew with guns and overprotective big brothers I think I married her."

Book looked him over he has the same deer in the headlights look as the captain. "Go on son."

Xander looked at them. "Well you see me and Willow have been moon hopping for the past couple months. We can't go home so what else to do but see the verse. We decided to settle down for a bit of fun. We saw the drinking the dancing it seemed like a bit of fun and we didn't have that for a good long while. After that it kind of turns blurry because we had too much." Xander turns to Simon. "We didn't, I would never…"

Xander was cut off by a kick to the shin by his new wife.

"PEE-goo HOE-tze!" River scolded him before leaving the room.

Xander was rubbing his leg watching his new wife walk off. "No yelling at me in Chinese until I speak more Chinese then crap and understand." He turned to the doctor. "What did she just call me?"

Simon smiled at least she's not completely insane. "She called you a butt monkey."

Xander and Willow look in each other's eyes and Xander started the mental communication hoping Willow is receiving. 'How did she know to call me that?'

'I don't know did you tell her last night?' Willow asked.

'No' Xander answered as far as he knew he buried his butt monkey status with the rest of Sunnydale. 'I might have last night but I doubt I'd wear that with pride.'

'Are you sure you haven't said it?' Willow asked.

Xander nodded. 'Yes, I didn't think about it until 5 seconds ago when I found out I got married too.'

'Maybe she's a psychic and read you.' Willow offered weakly. 'It would fit your kind of woman.'

'Willow they're staring.' Xander answered as both turned back to the crew.

Mal recognized the looks while he didn't think these two actually served in the war like he and Zoe did there is a definite bond between the two like him and Zoe that Wash just doesn't understand. "Are we interrupting something?"

"No"

"Not a thing"

Xander and Willow replied at the same time.

Jayne just looked at the situation and shrugged he almost feels bad for the guy with how crazy River is. "I'll be in my bunk." He turns to Willow concerned. "You didn't do anything particularly girly to it did you?"

Willow glared at him and shut him up how could she marry such a mongoloid. "Go!"

Kaylee patted Xander on the shoulder. "I'm sure River just thought she was dancing."

"Jayne's well… Jayne." Zoe said to Willow trying to defend the brute but not having anything to defend him with.

Wash wasn't going to talk to Xander about pointers. The fear of his wife won't let him.

"Ok how come I get laughed at and these two get pity?" Mal asked.

"Because we know you." Wash stated. "This is like watching kids swim uphill without a paddle we have to help them."

Kaylee nods in agreement. "Yeah Capn we expect this sort of thing from you. But these two are innocent."

Mal looked at his little mechanic in shock. "They have confessed to traveling moons."

"Yeah but they have innocent eyes. All three of them." Kaylee countered.

Xander just smirked at least it wasn't the fun and games joke the girls gave him back home.

Mal has had enough he's ten seconds away from dumping them all out the airlock. "I'm going to go find my wife."

Xander nodded in agreement. "Yeah me too" Even he realized how bad that sounded. "I meant River."

Mal simply nodded at least he doesn't have the most difficult wife here. "Well good luck with that."

* * *

Xander went into the common room he thinks the captain called it. He didn't have to go far as River flat out collided into him and Xander caught her on instinct from years of babysitting Dawn and her crush on him.

"Husband" River practically squealed.

Xander calmly collected himself and put her down. "River sorry to tell you this but we're not staying married."

"Yes we are." River replied looking right in his eyes.

Xander counted to ten actually thankful for Africa for the first time ever being put in charge of a house of teenage girls gave him a great deal of patience. "I'm not from Triumph and I'm guessing you're not either so not married."

River looks and slightly tilts her head. "A marriage is a legal agreement between two citizens regardless of citizenship we're married."

Simon came in and at least this Xander is trying to stop it with his sister. "Mei mei you can't be married. You're not in the right state of mind to make those kinds of choices…"

Xander simply moved away knowing you never call a woman crazy as River kicked her brother in the shin. "Look River you're too young to be married." She looks like she's 17.

River looks at Xander. "I am 18 and well aware so there."

Xander rubbed his head this is not his day. "We're not staying Married River."

"Yes we are." River replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"No"

River moved closer as Xander backed away. "Yes"

"No"

River tilted her head and studied Xander's face. "You think I'm pretty."

Xander thought on it OK this girl has to be something now since he was thinking she's cute and the bantering kind of reminds him of Cordy and Anya. "Well yeah…but"

River gave him a sweet smile and Xander definitely couldn't deny it she's cute doesn't mean they're staying married though.

River started walking away happy. "You think I'm pretty and we'll stay married."

Before Xander could cut in again River happily left the room.

Simon watched the exchange and Xander for all extensive purposes tried to refuse the marriage but River won't let him. "Duibuqi?" Simon looks at Xander's blank face how does someone go so far without learning Chinese here? "I think I owe you an apology from earlier."

Xander saw that River had collected his metal case so at least he didn't lose anything. "Don't worry about it if this was a couple years back I definitely would have killed Jayne."

Simon nodded he saw the bond between Willow and Xander and could definitely see him acting like this if Willow was hurt. He watches as Xander pulls the case down and opens it. Simon sees a modified Taurus 85 just like the captain uses still in a holster as Xander collects it and straps it around his waist. He then watches as Xander pulls out a Tomahawk whittled at the bottom to make a stake. "So what changed?" Simon asked seeing Xander could very likely fight Jayne in an even fight since he saw even more knives and stakes in with his clothes.

Xander smiled and moved his clothes and hit two buttons at the side of his metal chest that were well hidden. "Willow has become a lot scarier then I have over the years."

Simon watched as Xander pulled up his clothes revealing a secret compartment with four gold bars.

"Will one of these be enough for me and Willow's time on here?" Xander asked curious.

"Bee-tzway. Wrong wuomun fah-tsai." Simon replied before regaining his head even being raised on a central planet gold was rare thing. "Yes it's enough I don't want to know how you got it though."

"Magic" Xander replied knowing there's no chance the doc would believe him. "Well at least things can't get any worse from here."

* * *

Meanwhile back on Trump one of the women was dropped to the floor. Two knife wounds sticking out of her stomach. She fell to the floor and looked up at her killer as the life went out of her eyes. The metal armor surrounded by a black duster with black gloves pants and boots followed up with a black red and gold mask as her attacker puts it back on.

The stranger looked around but realized with its target gone according to the scent of a blast off he has no reason to stay here. He bends his knees and quickly takes off for the sky as he flies into his spaceship.

* * *

Author's notes

I've wanted to cross all 3 Whedon shows for a while and finally got this.

**Translations **

Go se, Crap

Nee TZAO ss-MA? Nee-YOW wuh-KAI CHANG, You want a bullet you want a bullet right through your throat.

tyen shiao-duh, All that is sacred

Dong ma, Understand

PEE-goo HOE-tze, butt monkey (might not be close to accurate)

Duibuqi, Sorry

Bee-tzway. Wrong wuomun fah-tsai, Shut up and make me wealthy.


	2. Chapter 2

Willow was in the dining room with Mal, Wash, Zoe, and the young girl from Triumph. Xander stuck his head in with a cautious eye scouting the room.

Wash saw it and chuckled knowing what he's doing. "River's not here."

Xander took a sigh of relief and sat down next to Willow whom could be his only friend here. "So how's married life treating you?"

Willow looked at him with a death glare. "Ask me again and I'll turn you into a rat."

"You're welcome to try to but I'll turn into a frog." Xander warned with a smile on his face.

Willow looked at the food on the table. "Oh, fresh bao"

Zoe nodded seems her practical time has come to an end. "Captain is enjoying his own little mobile slave girl."

Mal rolled his eyes. "You know I wish one person here would not look at me like a dirty old man."

"I look at you like a psychotic priest." Willow offered.

Walsh chuckled you can call the captain a lot of things on many different moons and he has but he knows preacher sure ain't one of them. "All of a sudden evil lecherous hwun dan don't sound that bad huh."

Mal was going to tell Willow about Divorce but now he can sit on it for a few days or until Book tells Xander which is more likely.

Walsh saw the empty cup and went to get a refill for himself but Saffron was right there taking the cup out of his hands.

"That's for me to do." Saffron took the cup off him as Willow and Xander share a glance with each other that doesn't go past Zoe. As Mal quickly sent himself off but not before Saffron offered to wash his feet.

"What's so bad about washing feet?" Xander asked.

Zoe rolled her eyes. "bundun"

Xander waited for Saffron to leave and turned to Willow. "So she's evil isn't she?"

"Oh yeah" Willow agreed grabbing pieces of the bao left over from Wash.

Walsh looked at the two new recruits if Saffron is evil how are they so calm? "Can't she just be quaint?"

Xander shakes his head no. "That was too quaint that was Ted like quaint. This usually ends with me finding a mess of dead bodies while getting high off cookies."

Xander and Willow left the room leaving Zoe and Wash to have their own talk.

* * *

Willow went down to the passenger bunks to get her case and Xander went into the main room and his eyes lit up. He quickly tried to flee but a female hand grabbed him and pulled him in as River led the two to the Shepard in the guest bunks. Xander decided to let this play out since she won't do anything about it with a priest nearby… hopefully.

River looked to Book with a smile as she grabbed a pillow. "We want you to marry us?"

Xander's face lit up in excitement sweet freedom he can almost taste it. "You mean we're not…"

Book quickly dashed his hopes. "You two are already married River."

River nodded but didn't let it stop her. "A new wedding so our friends and family can attend and remember as soon as possible."

Book looked at her and thought on it. "That's a very nice thought River but we'd have to wait till Xander can gather up the important people to him."

"In his life there can be only three left and two would not be welcome at our wedding for the darkness, cheap booze, and brooding they bring." River looks at Book's confusion so clarifies. "Deadboys suck"

Book watched as Xander did what he could not to laugh at the insanity of his life and started. "Well if that's what you want I could… but I don't think it's enough time. I mean Kaylee seems like she'd enjoy looking at wedding dresses for the occasion and Willow it will be a great for you two to get to know each other."

Xander's brain finally reboots and lets him speak. "We're not getting married."

Book looks at him. "Now son this isn't helping matters."

Xander looked to him and was set to trade a barrage of insults but he has nothing. How do you argue against a preacher? Xander sighed and turned back to his wife and saw the pillow was gone and now safely held under her stomach as she patted the bump that it had caused.

"Now we have to stay married. I'm in the family way."

Xander turned to Book and somehow smiled and rolled his eyes all at the same time. "One day and she's baby trapping me." Xander takes a breath and turns to River while running his fingers through his hair. "OK River sweetie you can't be pregnant. We never had sex."

River grinned and started pulling him towards his passenger bunk. "So let's go fix that."

Mal came in with Saffron intending to show her, her bunk. "Well, if this isn't an interesting conversation to come in half way through. River your brother needs to see you."

Xander breathed a sigh of relief as River actually tried to leave but froze like a rock at the thought of the infirmary. Xander saw it and touched her on the shoulder for support he's not exactly a fan of doctor's either.

River smiled and walked for the infirmary. "We're staying married."

Xander rolled his eyes and counted to ten. How is it he's missing the house that had seven super powered teenagers because they were more predictable even during the three days of hell each month. "No we're not."

"You don't have a priest and neither do I." River replied walking away with a smile.

Xander looked over to the Captain. "You're a newlywed help me."

Mal laughed he's going to enjoy this after getting punched this morning. "Sorry son I can't help you." With that he and Saffron walked off."

Now that Book had Xander alone he needed to talk to him. "Son technically River is right and she's a goof girl you two have to stay married but it shouldn't be too much of a problem." Xander watched as Book's face something more like Giles after too many G-man comments. "Also if you take sexual advantage of her you will rot in a very special level of hell one saved for people and ones who talk during the theater."

"OK well A I'm already going to special hell but Faith will stop me from doing that first part. B What, why, what why are we staying married?" Xander asked.

"Divorce requires permission from each of your pastors since neither you or River have one you can't file for it. Why don't you have one?"

Xander chuckled and got himself together if it wasn't for Buffy, the cross, and holy water he'd be an atheist a long time ago. "While I've seen proof of the lord almighty I also believe he's a piece of go se that doesn't do anything while we all suffer. While the people who supposedly run his house are as twisted as the rest of us… no offense. Monks, followers, priests I hate them all and avoid church on purpose for that reason."

Book simply nodded in understanding because he saw the point Xander made abut preachers more then most people but what wondered what that faith comment was about then. Book watched him go and he's almost as angry at the lord as the captain. He wonders what kind of life he lived that led him to that.

* * *

Jayne was in his bunk going through Willow's things. As far as he can tell she doesn't have any firearms just a couple wooden stakes and either drugs or cooking spices and ingredients. Willow came in and her eyes flashed black for a second.

"What are you doing you hairless Sasquatch?" Willow shouted.

Jayne instantly repacked her things. "I was just going to help you unpack."

Willow took the case off him. "Me and you a fluke and there will be no more fluking. Not now not ever again why don't you go play with your little toy rifle."

"Vera ain't no toy." Jayne shouted.

Willow grabbed her case and went to leave the room as Jayne responded. "Wo Hen Ni"

Jayne looked at Willow's confusion and 'clarified' by lying. "It means I'm sorry for stealing."

"OK" With that Willow left the room and headed for her own bunk.

* * *

Simon and Kaylee were in the main hall talking about the three newest recruits. Kaylee had her usual that would likely have to be surgically removed smile as she asked. "So what do you think about Saffron and the captain?"

"I'm still trying to form an opinion on that but I have no idea how to react." Simon answered honestly.

Kaylee looked at the doctor and saw the confused look on his face probably has to do with River getting married and him not being able to do anything under threat of shin damage. "Hey are you alright?"

Simon nodded regaining his focus. "Yeah it's just… I took River to the infirmary today."

Kaylee bit her lip she knows that never ends well. "How much did she destroy today?"

"Nothing" Simon answered. "She sat down and calmly let me examine her."

"Maybe married life works for her." Kaylee offered but quickly received a death glare from Simon or the doc's impersonation of one. "Or not"

Jayne came downstairs. "Or not what?"

Kaylee looked at him. "Oh we're discussing the new recruits."

"Something ain't right about them. Two of them don't even speak Mandarin you want to explain that one." Jayne added.

Kaylee looked at them. "Jayne everyone speaks Mandarin."

Willow and Xander enter up top having their own conversation.

Willow looked at Xander. "Come on Xander you don't honestly think that."

Xander nodded yes he definitely thinks that after seeing him blow off Saffron time and time again. "I'm telling you Will that guy has a mad Kirk complex."

"So you don't think him and Inara?" Willow asked.

Xander shook his head no though there are definite sparks with how pissed she seems to be at the captain. "I don't know I mean he might love a girl and sleep with a hundred green skinned babes but I don't think anyone will ever come between him and Serenity."

Kaylee looked at him. "What did you do?"

Xander scratched his head nervously. "I went to Inara asked her to spread a little white lie that I slept with her to throw off River. She said I got married now deal with it."

"Captain also said there's more excitement then he'd like on his boat." Willow added.

"Hence the Kirk syndrome." Xander finished.

Jayne looked to Willow and decided to try something. "Piow liang de shao ji, nee gu wuo hu nee shang hao. Wuh hwai rong nee shung kai roo hua"

Willow simply shrugged. "Um OK"

Kaylee and Simon both stood there and took it in they expected Willow to hit him with the heaviest thing she could find. OK neither really does speak Mandarin. Kaylee was the one that broke the silence. "OK you two are learning Mandarin tomorrow."

Willow looked at them confused until it sunk in. "What did he say?"

* * *

Xander and Willow came into the dining hall for dinner. Xander saw River had left a seat for him and he just gave a case of pleading eyes to take the seat but it was Kaylee that did it and let out a groan from a kick to the shin. Xander sat across from River and saw Jayne having a seat to himself and the Captain missing. Xander sat down and realized that while River is across the table that it in no way protects his feet from a game of footsie.

Dinner was uneventful as Xander volunteered to clean up with Book.

Book looked at the young man. "So why did you volunteer we usually play card games to avoid this."

"This is a two person job." Xander answered. "So it will buy me a reprieve from my unrelenting intelligent beautiful wife from trying to have her way with me… Why am I here again?"

"Special hell" Book reminds him.

"Right, hellfire" Xander quickly added with an innocent laugh. Has Book even been paying attention at all since he got on this ship?

Book had to say he admires the boys persistence there isn't many people that could keep shutting River down. "So what did you do before moon hopping I believed you called it?"

Xander was drying the plates and laughed at it now. "Well I actually was a teacher me and Willow went to different villages we taught girls martial arts and other things."

"Was it good work?" Book asked.

Xander thought on it for the girls like Dana and the ones who went renegade. "It was necessary work."

* * *

Xander went to his bunk he can see a life here. All the people here are nice and they've paid for about a year according to the Captain. Xander checked the door and breathed a sigh of relief seeing it's still locked as he left it. He opened the door and climbed down he sat down on his bed taking this all in while working on his shoes as two slender arms wrapped around his waist.

Xander shot up instantly as hellmouth instincts took over. "The door locked I left… came back… How?"

River giggled seeing him panicked. "Locks are easy."

"You know it's all fun and games until you scare me one time and I shoot out a window." Xander quipped.

She laughed some more and sat up showing nothing underneath the sheets.

Xander looked away as a mantra of special hell rang through his head. "Clothes, need clothes, fully clothed would be of good."

River sat up not bothering to cover herself just points at his hands. "You won't need that."

Xander looked down and saw the tomahawk in his hands and dropped it. Sunnydale instinct usually means get ready to kill something. "Sorry survival instinct."

River patted the spot next to her. "Come to bed please."

"I'm not sleepy." Xander replied. He can honestly say he's never been more awake.

"You're afraid I'll throw you out in your underwear." River said. "Space is cold I'll let you get dressed first."

"Wha… no it's not that at all." Xander objected he can safely say he's over what happened with him and Faith.

"The remove your clothing and come to bed." River insisted.

"Well" Xander looked like he was about to say something but quickly bolted in the other direction.

* * *

Willow was alarmed hearing a knock on her bunk door she opens it and sees Xander. She opens it and he comes down.

"Didn't the Captain give you your own bunk?" Willow asked.

"Naked River Special Hell" Xander answered.

Willow read his mind and got a jumbled mess. "Yeah I uh hear that."

Xander sat down on bed with her and Willow listened carefully as Xander told her everything and countered. "You know Xander I keep getting all these mixed messages from you about River. But not one of them says stay away from me."

Xander shrugged he'd have to lose his other eye to be blinded to it. "River's a nice girl she's beautiful intelligent has a quirky dark sense of humor. There's a lot to like."

"Smoochie kind of like?" Willow asked.

Xander rolled his eye he should have seen this one coming. "Not going to give it up are you?"

"I think you two would work together." Willow said bluntly he was his best friend and since Anya he deserved a bit of happiness. River is his type and it's not like a potential mind reader is a big deal to him. "What about you?"

Xander thought on it and dear god he does like his wife. "Maybe but I don't want to jump right into bed with her either. Maybe take it slow and get to know her. So how about your husband."

Willow rolled her eyes. "Can you say not a prayer? It's not the first mistake I made."

Xander play coughed. "Kennedy"

Willow glared at him. "You know you promised that you weren't going to do that anymore. We signed a contract and everything."

"Yeah but the paper I signed has been lost for over 500 years." Xander replied. "I got married I'm in the future let me have that one."

Willow shrugged not having a problem with it. "OK just this once."

"Will you deserve better than someone who saw you as Superwitch and nothing else." Xander said stating his reasons for it.

Willow nodded in agreement it's why she ended it in the first place. "You deserve happiness too and crazy is right down your isle."

"She's not crazy she's just blunt very, very blunt." Xander said to his surprise defending his wife.

Willow smiled seeing Xander stuck and maybe someone needs to figure out his feelings first. "Why don't you go back to your bunk and think it through."

Xander nodded see he knew talking to Willow would help. He has feelings for his crazy wife didn't see that one coming.

* * *

Xander climbed out of Willow's bunk and to his surprise was nearly knocked down by Saffron but she fell first. "Whoa, are you alright."

Saffron got up and easily dusted herself off. "I'm fine sir."

"Well what are you doing back here the only thing left according to Kaylee are the shuttles"

Saffron smiled. "I just wanted to explore the ship. It's something I could only dream of in the maiden's house."

"I think I know what you mean." Xander replied. Their travel method has been Willow teleporting them or buses from moon to moon this is actually their first ship across multiple moons and planets.

"Have you ever heard of the myth of Earth that was?" Saffron asked as she put a hand on Xander's chest?

Xander quickly backed up. "I know plenty about earth that was. More then most even."

Saffron backed up and frowned. "I'm sorry sir I came on too strong. It's just soon we'll be away from each other. We should make this night what it should be."

Xander looked at her and decided to just drop all tact. "So you're evil huh?"

"What?"

"You're hitting on me." Xander gave as his explanation. "Which means you're either evil or crazy? I have myself a crazy wife so that leaves ev... Xander is cut off by Saffron violently hitting him in the Adam's apple as he gasps for breath. Saffron went to punch him but Xander stepped aside and shoved her into the metal wall head first allowing himself to catch his breath. Xander looked to her and heard her crying he walked to her and was swiftly kicked below the belt as he fell to his knees allowing Saffron to take a pipe off the ship and hit him in the head knocking him out.

* * *

Xander woke up trying to get where he is to stop being so blurry. "What's the score?"

Simon looked at Zoe. "Well we got one of them back might have a concussion though."

Willow looked down at him and smiled "52-88 you."

Xander was holding the side of his head. "No offense Will but when I get better I have to start knocking you out I'm getting too far ahead."

"OK" Willow replied to the crew's amazement that these two keep score of how often they're knocked out. "So what did it this time?"

"Pipe" Xander answered. "On the bright side it hurt less then the microscope."

Willow rolled her eyes in disappointment. "Xander will you ever let that go we were in high school?"

"I actually meant Spike." Xander countered.

Simon looked at the two sharing jokes to River's amusement. "How many times were you knocked out with a microscope?"

"Just twice?" Xander replied.

Simon is actually surprised there isn't some level of brain damage considering they keep score of how often they're knocked out. Simon moves to the knocked out Captain and Xander sees nearly everyone is here except Jayne and Kaylee.

Xander got to his feet and to his surprise River was waiting with an ice pack in hand as she gave it to him. Just what he needed as he pressed it to his head. Xander looked at Mal as he started to come to.

"Is it Christmas?"

Well, he's back," Simon said as he helped the Captain up.

"What happened to me?" Mal asked

Zoe looked at male she knew she was trouble. "Your blushing bride was a plant," Zoe turned to Wash and Xander. "She took three of you out."

"How did-?"

"Narcotic compound," Simon explained cutting him off. "Probably spread over a seal on her lips. You get it on yours and pow."

Zoë looked at the captain she's going to enjoy this. "Lips, huh? "

"Well…" Mal stuttered trying to think of an explanation.

Simon saved Mal by explaining the drug. "Yeah, we used to get a lot of guys brought in on the night shift at the ER. Usually robbed, very groggy. They called it the good night kiss."

Zoe grinned. "So you two were kissin'?"

"Well. Isn't that... special?" Book added, causing both Mal and Jayne to shift uncomfortably as Xander chuckled.

"Is there a story?" Willow asked.

"I'll explain later." Xander replied.

"Wash," Mal said suddenly. "How did-"

Wash held up his hands. "Hey, I just got kicked in the head."

"My man would never fall for that jien huo." Zoe added as she put an arm around Wash happy he didn't.

"Most of my head wishes I had," Wash commented as Mal turned towards Xander.

Xander raised his hands in surrender. "Hey I resisted River and I knew Saffron was evil."

Xander looked to River and saw her in one of her dresses. "At least she didn't steal one of my shirts."

"A paradox, colors scream in agony knowing they don't belong together. They become a paradox so bright they burn the eyes." River looked at Xander's face and clarified. "They're ugly."

Xander actually smiled a bit. "I still have a Hawaiian shirt left?"

"It was ugly. I threw it out on Triumph while you slept last night." River replied.

"Damn"

Mal watched the scene and wondered when those two started to level off. He was also wondering what exactly Saffron was up to. "Where the hell are we heading?"

* * *

Xander and Willow waited as everyone gathered up what Saffron was up to. They offered to help but this was just something they couldn't be useful in and just get in the crew's way. He watched Mal yell at Kaylee and Walsh while they were fixing the ship. Kaylee came out from a little hole she was working on and countered. "Hey it was your big make out session that got us in this mess."

"I was poisoned!" Mal countered

"You were drugged" Inara corrected while rolling her eyes.

Willow put up a hand to stop Jayne from what he was going to say. "Don't even think about it buster."

Mal turned back to Walsh. "Well what can you do?"

"Give us some time; we can get the cortex and nav comm back online. At least see where we're headed." Wash said

"What about steering?" Mal asked

"What about stopping?" Inara added.

"She humped us hard," Wash replied. "We're gonna have to do a lot of-"

Mal cut him off. "Well do it. Doesn't help me to see where we're going if I can't change course."

"This girl really knows her ships," Kaylee added to their mess.

"That's not all she knows," Inara said drawing everyone's attention. "She's well schooled."

"What do you mean the sedative? The good night kiss?" Simon asked.

"Well, I only hit my head, But Mal went through that. But, no, I mean seduction. Body language, signals. She's had training. As in companion. As in academy." Inara explained herself.

"Our little Saffron's quite a wonder. I'm beginning to think she married beneath herself." Book said with a smile

Mal glared at him before turning back to Inara. "How do you know about the training?"

"She tried to seduce me, too." She simply stated.

"Really?" Mal asked. "Did she... did you...?"

Inara grinned and shook her head. "You don't play a player. It was sloppy of her to try it, but I think she was in a rush."

"Yeah but she had professional... So in my case, it was really..." Mal pointed his finger at Book. "You woulda kissed her, too!"

"Wash didn't," Zoe said.

"Neither did Xander." River added.

"But she was naked!" Mal sputtered out. "And all... articulate!"

"Okay!" Wash said as he pulled himself back out and waved a screwdriver at the crew. "Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere."

* * *

A little while later the whole crew came back in as Wash got a signal of a circle. Xander looked at it in confusion. "I don't get it what's out there?"

Book looked at it and knew exactly what it was. "The end of the line, It's a carrion house. Scrap shop. Takes ships, pulls 'em apart, or fixes 'em up."

Xander sees Willow's face and that's enough to know it's bad as he starts a mind conversation with her. 'What's wrong?'

'I sense the net its lightning' Willow answered telepathically.

Xander shrugged. 'Is that bad?'

'Remember the X-Men movie?' Willow asked.

'Of course'

'We're in the statue of liberty and Storm has PMS.'

'Oh'

Xander sees the crew form their own plan to deal with it as Mal and Jayne head out while Kaylee and Wash keep trying to fix Serenity. Willow senses Jayne outside as he shoots the electrical grid disabling the net and saving them all. She then watches as Jayne breaks the windows with extra shots and kills all the people inside as they float into the vacuum of space.

Willow was shocked but quickly buries it. After all it's not like she hasn't done far worse.

Xander looks at her. "Are you OK?"

Willow simply nodded. "I'll be a lot better once we get to Beaumonde so I can get a divorce."

"They would have killed us Will." Xander pointed out. "God knows how many they got before us and how many they would have gotten after us."

Willow saw the point but its still humans. "I guess but I'm just used to dust and goo still."

"Me too" Xander replied still trying to wrap his head around this world. He has a crazy wife whom he's actually growing fond of. And thankfully he's not alone he'll have his best friend with him always. And that will have to be enough for now.

* * *

Author's Notes

translations

Hwun dan = bastard

bundun = idiot

go se = crap

Wo Hen Ni = I hate you

jien huo = cheap floozy

Piow liang de shao ji, nee gu wuo hu nee shang hao. Wuh hwai rong nee shung kai roo hua = Pretty lady, hire me for the night and I'll open you like a flower

Thanks for the reviews

Up Next: Divorce?


	3. Chapter 3

Willow smiled watching from up high in Serenity as she was awoken about 5 minutes earlier by the racket of Xander chasing down his new wife. She watches the door open as the Captain enters and they watch as Xander continues to try to keep in pursuit of his wife.

Mal looked to Willow and said. "The pitter patter of newly weds in big old combat boots." Mal leaned over the side and shouted and shouted. "Shut Up!"

"Just getting my breakfast back Captain." Xander insisted.

Mal rolled his eyes. "We have plenty of protein."

Xander rolled his eye and stopped. "I'm not eating that go se when I have genuine food. Well I had genuine food and she stole it."

"What's mine is yours." River countered running behind the ATV.

"No only half of mine is yours." Xander countered running to the ATV.

"That's divorce we're married." River countered as she feigned right and quickly ran left.

Mal sighed in frustration and acceptance. "One of you is going to fall and die and I am not going to clean it up."

Xander chased River before finally catching her in the dining room wrapping his arms around her waist and lifted her off the floor. "OK got you breakfast please."

River smiled and took a bowl out with a lid containing sliced up watermelon balls and put one into his mouth.

Xander took a bite grateful for genuine food before he turned to Kaylee. "I'm thinking Xiel"

Kaylee looked at him and understood. "Oh xie xie"

"Xie xie" Xander repeated to his wife still trying to learn Chinese though he is picking some things up he just learns better with Wash because he's teaching him cursing.

River smiled and kissed him on the cheek just as Simon came in.

Xander rolled his eye and knew what was coming as he put River down and dodged Simon grabbing one of the doc's arms and pulling him down to the ground in an arm bar. "Stop trying to hit me."

Simon struggled to resist and since Xander didn't want to break the doc's arm he simply released the hold on to him and left the room.

Simon got to his feet and looked at the glare of his sister as she kicked him in the shin. Leaving him holding his ankle

"Bundun" River said as she kicked him in the other ankle and left in the opposite direction.

Jayne had a smile on his face that almost matched Kaylee's. The Doc got beat up again and soon he'll be divorced by his sly wife. This will be a great day.

Wash had to say he enjoyed whenever the doc went after the recruit that married his sister. Every time he did Xander found new ways to end it without hurting the doc. "Well that was different."

"Those two could have shared some of that while we eat this ruttin pile." Jayne complained.

Zoe looked to the doc. "You know it's only a matter of time before one of them actually hurts you. I'd have done it my self last time."

"Well I can't exactly just sit back and watch him take advantage of my sister's mental state." Simon countered noticing those two getting closer.

Inara rolled her eyes Xander has never done anything of the sort. "Simon your sister is at that age where she wants to feel that connection and for whatever reason she chose him."

"Besides I was years younger when I did." Kaylee added.

"But she's not in the right mind." Simon defended himself.

"She has her off days." Kaylee agreed. "But as you keep saying she's gifted fully capable of making her own decisions."

* * *

Xander looked around and quickly rolled his eyes realizing he's in the wrong shuttle again as if the girly décor didn't give it away. He turns around and walks right into Inara. "It's not what it looks like I sit in the other shuttle for moments of peace and got confused."

"It's alright just know that I'm not working." Inara replied.

Xander sat down and took it easy. "Fair enough."

Inara looked at him he's a mysterious one at that but not like the captain he has his share of secrets that him and Willow seem to protect in hardened iron. Especially since according to Mal they paid a year in advance with a gold bar of all things. "I take it I don't have to ask why you came in here."

"If you do you must have had a full face at breakfast." Xander quipped.

Inara laughed and sat down next to him. "You know he's just trying to protect his sister."

Xander nods in agreement he'd probably be doing the same thing. "I get that but his sister full person capable of making her own choices... and picking the locks on my bunk."

Inara raised an eyebrow knowing Xander spoke too much as she sees him scouting the room looking for something to change the subject to. "So where'd you learn to throw people around like that?"

Xander looked around the room and smiled. "Probably the same people that taught you how make that flash bomb because I doubt it's the academy. I'm guessing there was an unwanted grabby client st some point."

Inara looked at him impressed she wonders if Jayne would know that was a flash bomb. "So where did you learn all that stuff? Alliance?"

"I took army basic training when I was 17." Xander answered with as much of the truth as he could. "But time went on and I let it get flabby which is absolutely stupid considering how often hand to hand combat would have done me some good in the past. I'd like to say I relearned it because it was the right thing to do... but the truth is I found out Wesley who was pretty much our version of Simon became a much better fighter then me. Willow helped me through some refresher courses and my friend Buffy taught me some things after that."

"Well we all do stupid things at times at least you put yours to good use." Inara replied seeing how he probably had to protect Willow a time or two.

Xander smiled looking at Inara. "You mean like kissing a man who was drugged."

Inara eyes shot as she quickly tried to defend herself. "What I didn't… I never… I- I got hit like you and Wash."

"Uh huh and Spike really did have the sex bot built to play checkers with." Xander quipped looking at Inara's face she's probably not used to someone getting the jump on her. "Don't worry your secret stays with me but if I found out odds are Willow and River know too."

Inara nodded in relief companion and normal guy dating is very confusing to her. "And I won't tell Simon that you really do like River and thought of her naked a time or two... and judging from the look on your face... have actually seen it."

It was now Xander's turn to wear the surprised face. "What? I never… not… thank you."

Inara smiled seeing him brought right back down.

Xander looked to Inara and decided to have a bit of fun at other people's expense. "Those protein bricks they feed families for a month right?"

Inara nodded her head not seeing where he is going with this.

"Think the Captain would mind if I locked Simon and Kaylee in the engine room with one and a case of water for about two weeks to show the Doc that there's a life he can have outside of his sister."

Inara held a hand over her mouth because she's pretty sure laughing like that is unbecoming of a companion. "That's not very subtle Xander."

"Well my last long term relationship started because my prom date showed up in the fall and took her dress off right in front of me. Subtlety is lost on some men." Xander replied.

"There's no bathroom." Inara pointed out a flaw in Xander's plan. "But if we actually bring Kaylee in on the plan she might work something out."

"What plan is that?" Mal asked he has a nice easy job on Beaumonde he doesn't want that ruined.

Inara rolled her eyes at him. "Knock"

Mal pointed to Xander. "He didn't knock."

"I invited him in." Inara replied. "And I'm well aware of the rules all we were doing was talking."

"And planning something from the sounds of it." Mal added.

Inara looked at the captain. "We were talking about locking Simon and Kaylee in the engineering room for a few weeks."

Mal looked to Xander and who shrugged and replied. "What mechanic will still be in the engineering room? Also we were joking so what's up?"

"We're landing on Beaumonde and the ambassador has work to do?" Mal finished practically pulling him out of her shuttle. Xander was confused he thought Inara was a space hooker.

* * *

Serenity lands as most of the crew disembark save for Wash Simon and River who stay on board. Xander follows Willow, Jayne, Kaylee and Book as the Shepard takes them into a church. Jayne sits down and punches some things onto the screen as a man who likes like a smaller version of Jayne shows up.

"Di di I need a favor." Jayne said solemnly.

"No" The voice over the computer said.

Jayne pointed at the computer. "I didn't even tell you what is yet baby brother."

"You want my permission to divorce Willow Rosenberg."

Jayne looked at him confused. "Now how in tyen shiao dao did you know that?"

The man on the monitor held up a cortex. "Message from Triumph you messaged ma while you were drunk."

"Oh go se" Jayne muttered what the hell did he do that for.

Willow scratched her head. "Well I'm sly I think they call it doesn't that count for grounds for divorce."

Jayne and his brother shake their heads. "Let me guess she says we brought it on ourselves and live with our ruttin mistake."

"Seems to be the gist of it." The man replied. "And I agree with her."

"Well horrible plan, very bad I'm sly, crooked as they get." Willow insisted.

The man looked at her. "Then why did you sleep with him?"

"Alcohol, booze, wine we're all very unmixy I can only begin to tell you what I did during college. Me, my friends, and alcohol very unmixy so please, divorce us." Willow got out in a ramble

Jayne's brother looked at him. "Sorry but even intoxicated you must have gone to Jayne for a reason. Xie xie for the money you sent for Mattie. I'll also see if I can work on ma."

With that Jayne's brother turned the monitor off.

Willow turned to Jayne in shock. "I can't believe this you mean to tell me we're stuck married because your brother is afraid of your mother."

"Ain't his ruttin fault." Jayne defended his brother. "Radiant Cobb is one powerful scary creature. And unlike me Kelly is stuck on the same moon as her."

Xander looked up in surprise. "Jayne, Kelly your mom must have really wanted girls huh."

"The Cobb boys got boy parts rest assured just ask the wife." Jayne defended himself and his brother.

Willow looked at him and smacked him on the back of the head.

Kaylee was still in shock from it all. "It's the fact that Jayne's brother is a Shepard that confuses and baffles me."

Xander put an arm around Willow and held her close this wasn't exactly the news she has wanted to hear. "Well look at the bright side. You're now a statistic in loveless marriages."

Willow smiled and pulled Xander closer and whispered. "I should have cast a spell on him."

"I don't think the dark arts are good enough to cause a divorce here."

Willow smiled as the two walked off.

Kaylee watched Jayne with a smile. "Did you just check out Willow's butt?"

Jayne snapped back realizing he wasn't alone. "No, of course ruttin not. Besides look at those two."

Kaylee just laughed. "Load of go se they're war buddies just like Zoe and Captain."

Jayne looked at Kaylee. "The woman is sly and I damn sure ain't the marrying type don't even like the ruttin witch just appreciate a nice view."

Kaylee just held her hands up seeing the burly merc walk away. Kaylee was taken by surprise when she sees Xander and Willow enter a book store of all things.

* * *

Xander entered the store and rolled his eyes in the past he was never a big fan and in the future it's even worse because the things he's looking for are nowhere to be seen. "Excuse me miss where would we find the old books like earth that was old."

The librarian simply shrugged and pointed upstairs. "All the old tomes are up there but no one ever goes up there. People usually just find things on the cortex."

Xander walked up and they started scouring through the countless books for anything that resembled something Giles like. Willow looked through indexes and anything else they can find. Twelve hours later the search wasn't going any better then when they started.

Willow closed her book clearly frustrated. "Darn it this sucks."

Xander closed his book and started messaging her shoulders. "We'll figure it out someday."

"It's pretty much all we can do." Willow finished since that spell only moves forward in time. "I just don't get it. I mean… we changed the world. You'd figure that would get us a nod to our work but nothing. I also don't understand why I took us so far into the future."

Xander knew this was eating her up and he doesn't know what to tell her. "You're the one who tells me that we all have a place in the grand design so this must have happened for a reason. We'll find out what happened to Buffy, Dawn, and everyone else. So can you please just not lose it for now?"

Willow just rested back and lay against Xander exhausted. "Buffy saved the world so many times why wouldn't anyone remember her? Especially Spike or Angel."

"Buffy did her best work at night in the dark." Xander answered. "Maybe she just quietly retired and had 2.4 kids with a decent guy."

Willow shakes her head no. "Then why wouldn't there be anything on any other slayer. We were close to three thousand when we disappeared and now we can't find one."

"We'll find out what happened to them." Xander assured her. "After all it's our job."

* * *

Two weeks later the crew of Serenity left Beaumonde having a new job on the moon of Canton. Xander stretched his arms all these moons and there's not a single mention of slayers in the past 500 years. She alone fights the vampires what the hell is going on. Xander turned to the side and saw River hiding behind the doorway. She tends to sneak up on him and watch him carefully although they do get a long much better then the other married couple on board.

Xander walked by and Kaylee pulled her into an argument with Simon.

Kaylee looked to Xander. "OK neutral third party we need your opinion does Simon swear?"

Xander looked at the two. "You two are having a conversation about which of you swear more?"

Kaylee shakes her head no. "I'd win every time since I have to keep Serenity running without a compression coil. The question is does doc swear."

"Yes" Xander answered. "About as often as when Jayne and Will announce their undying love for each other."

"I swear when it's appropriate." Simon defended himself.

Xander rolled his eye. "Doc the whole point of swearing is that it's supposed to be inappropriate you dumb muqin bendan."

"See doesn't know how to say please or thank you in Chinese but he already knows how to say mother fu..." She stops seeing Simon's face. "In two languages." Kaylee finished with a smile. Xander wonders if there is anything that can break this woman she'll probably ask nicely to have people flip her off as they hear a loud racket from the infirmary. They all run in and see Jayne shirtless wrapping tape around his waist.

"Now, this would be the perfect time for a swear word." Kaylee quipped.

Simon was in shock looking at his destroyed quarters. "What...happened in here?"

"Needed to find some tape." Jayne replied while taping a pistol to his stomach.

Simon looked at him in shock trying to collect the pieces. "So you had to tear my infirmary apart?"

Jayne smirked this was definitely the highlight of his day. "Apparently."

Simon started cleaning the infirmary seeing so much torn apart. "My god…you're like a trained ape… Without the training."

Mal enters, sees the gun Jayne is strapping to his belly. "Jayne. I told you we're setting down at the Canton factory settlement on Higgins' moon.

"Yep. That you did." Jayne agreed.

"Canton don't allow guns in their town." Mal reminded him.

Jayne nodded in agreement while taping. "Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip."

Mal just looked at him and replied. "No. That's why you ain't strapping one anywhere."

Jayne looked at the captain concerned about his past. "Oh, listen, Mal… I was in Canton a few years back; I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts."

Simon looked at him and asked sarcastically. "Enemies? You? No, how can it be?"

"I just don't like the idea of us going in there empty-handed is all." Jayne pointed out.

Mal looked at him and asked. "Why are you still arguing what's been decided?"

Jayne looks at Mal, sighs, and then rips the tape off his belly as he whimpers.

* * *

Xander came out for the first bit of fresh air in two weeks and instantly his face scrunched. "I'm half blind already how much of a beating do my senses have to take?"

Simon tried to hold his breath. "Canton really… stinks."

Willow came out and to her it wasn't as bad as a potential locater spell but still bad.

Mal smirked watching the rookies gasp for breath at first. "That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to."

"I vote we do this job really, really fast." Wash said wanting to get back on the ship.

"Kessler's our man. He's holding the goods we're to deliver. We go in, make contact. Easy peasy. Zoe, you're holding down the fort. Call ahead to Bernoulli, let him know we'll have his merchandise end of the week."

"Don't I usually stay with the ship?" Wash said.

Zoe simply smiled seeing their roles switched. "I outrank you." She kisses Wash. "Have fun."

Simon looked around not any happier. "So, this is a place where they... they make mud."

Kaylee nods. "Yep. Clay really. You'd be surprised how many things it ends up in. Serenity's got more than a few ceramic parts in her."

"Really?" Simon asked.

"Yeah."

Simon wasn't sure what to think of that and just replies with what Xander says whenever he's confused. "Huh."

Kaylee smiled as an idea came to her. "Captain, don't you think Simon should come with us?"

Simon's face lit up in surprise. "What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't-I don't think that..."

Xander smiled seeing a chance to help out Kaylee after all the Mandarin she's been teaching him for the past two weeks. "You go on, doc. See the sights. I can watch over your sister. She is my wife after all."

River came out of the ship with a smile hearing Xander call her that as she wraps her hand around his as he tried to wriggle out for the doc's sake.

Simon did what he could to stay calm. "I…I don't know, River can be...

Willow rolled her eyes the doc really needs a life of his own. She puts a hand on her head and thinks. 'Thank you Xander I'm sure you'll take good care of her.'

"Thank you Xander I'm sure you'll take good care of her." Simon said robotically

Xander and River both mouth thank you to Willow as they go their own way.

"If you two get arrested I am not bailing you out." Mal looked at Simon wondering what caused that change of heart. "I'm not going that far, Doctor, and you might maybe make yourself useful."

Jayne looked at the two through a very poorly done disguise. "Come again?"

* * *

In the blackness of space the masked figure from Triumph is exploring space for its last target. It quickly turns its head in an almost 180 but quickly turns the ship around and heads full burn for Canton.

* * *

Willow was walking with the crew as they all came to a stop hearing Jayne run on about his past after Simon embarrassed himself while pretending to be a buyer.

Mal, Kaylee, and Wash didn't know what to say. Willow just spoke her mind. "It's so Jayneish and… growly.

Simon took a look and wondered if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like as he looks at a statue dedicated for the honor of Jayne Cobb. "Son of a bitch."

* * *

Author's Notes

Thanks for the reviews

Despite PMs River is not a slayer she's damaged enough as is.

As for the complaints I got about Willow/Jayne my whole idea with those two is to subvert the typical Vegas story. I read countless stories where two characters from X and Y shows are soulmates and put little to no effort into making it work. And these two are as far from that as I could think to get.

I didn't see a point with translations this the two new words are little brother and Kaylee already explains the other one.

Up Next: Jaynestown


	4. Chapter 4

Wash, Willow, Simon, Jayne, and Mal were taken back by a statue. Mal saw a lot of things in his time which is older then he lets on at this age. Although he can guarantee you in a million years he never would have expected that a statue of Jayne to be one of them. "Jayne why is there a statue of you that's looking at me like I owe him something?"

"I have no ruttin idea sir I did a job on Canton years back, but it went wrong had to hightail it out of here… they don't put you on a pedestal for that."

Mal couldn't take his eyes off it none of them could. "I'm looking at evidence that says they do."

Kaylee was wobbling her head back and forth this thing creeps her out. "Everywhere I go the eyes are following me."

Willow nodded in agreement. "It wigs me out too."

Wash shrugged. "I think they captured his essence perfectly."

"He looks angry." Kaylee replied

"That's kind of what I meant."

"This must be what going mad feels like." Simon added struggling to hang on.

Kaylee just keeps staring at the statue left and right. "Every where I go the eyes follow me.

Jayne rolls his eyes at the group. "We got a job. Let's go do it, get the hell out of here. I crossed the magistrate of this company town, understand? He ain't exactly a forgiving sort of guy."

Mal looked at Jayne now that he has no problem believing. "That sounds like a plan."

* * *

Xander and River were walking towards town thanks to Willow rebooting commando guy Xander should have no problem hiding River from any fed or ID device. Xander enters the store he's here to pay back Wash and Kaylee for teaching him enough Chinese to get by. "Well you're a girl what do I get Kaylee."

River just looks at him blankly as she walks down the isle and throws something at Xander that he barely catches in time.

Xander looks at it and sees it's a piece of a ship. "What... why?"

The salesperson looked at the part in Xander's hand."Compression coil... it's a nothing part little lady."

"Nothing part until you need one then it's everything." River replied carrying out a wooden box she hands to Xander.

Xander held the box and looked inside of it. OK now this seemed like a present considering all they ever eat on Serenity is protein. Xander sees a toy _Pteranodon_ and grabs it for Wash. "OK so that takes care of those two. What do you want?"

River looked at him with her you're an idiot face. "A husband is supposed to choose a present for his wife not let her choose one for herself."

Xander looked at her and is grateful for something to one up her with. "Well in most cases the husband knows the wife a long time before marrying her. If you tell me what you want now it will help with ideas later. Besides my original idea was flowers but considering how this planet smells it didn't exactly seem like a good idea."

"I like to dance." River answered not letting him out of this..

Xander nodded as he had an idea not that it will do any good if River really is a reader she already knows what he's thinking. Xander picked up a box from the front of the store and added it to his purchases before grabbing a long bow for old time's sake. Before too long the order is paid for and they're heading back to Serenity.

"Next time I take you off the ship. I find a place with actual places to go and smells better too." Xander quipped seeing Serenity in the distance.

River smiled walking back to Serenity and opening the box Xander gave her. "It's just spacious enough to work thank you."

"What's spacious enough?" Xander asked he just thought it seemed perfect for her because she loved to dance.

River pulled out a little baggie looking thing that resembled a bean bag and threw it into the mud.

Xander looked with a blank stare every time he thinks he understands one thing about River he's completely lost by something else. "What... what did you just throw?"

"Medicine" River replied as she started walking back towards the ship happy to be rid of it now she can hide it in the box Xander got her until she's alone off world with him again.

Xander groaned it's a box with a little dancing ballerina inside how did she find a way to turn it into a drug mule. "River why aren't you taking your medicine."

"Simon doesn't understand... he doesn't choose to." River replied.

Xander looked at her. "I'm not going to lie and say I'm one of the doc's biggest fans but we both know he wouldn't hurt you."

River looked at him with a look that says you're an idiot. "Simon loves me... but he doesn't understand that I'm not broken... He tries medicine to fix something that isn't broken."

Xander stopped in his tracks Simon said River is gifted but this is a whole new side of her she's showing without Simon. "So… how do you know you're not broken?"

River looks at him and kicked him in the shin causing Xander to jump. "Nothing broken just stolen." Xander held his leg and was set to yell until he saw her becoming more and more distraught. "Because they didn't break anything. They just stole, left me open and vulnerable. I'm with you alone and I function I'm a girl not a freak or someone pitied on and I hate it because soon others will come back and I know it will go away. Everything becomes chaos and..."

Xander frowned and just hugged her. It sounds like whatever happened they cut something out of her. He's going to have to ask Will about this. "Your secret is safe with me."

"Just like that?" River asked taking refuge in the hug.

"Just like that." Xander answered mainly because he believed her. Whoever the Academy was they did something to her that much was obvious and like he would do she's trying to protect her brother from it. He saw first hand how badly the Initiative screwed up Riley. By the end of it they screwed him up so badly that Xander couldn't even blame Buffy for not wanting to go after him when she missed his flight. "River that night on Triumph… why did you choose me?"

River broke the hug and put Xander's arm around her as they walked towards the ship. "Bundun"

Xander chuckled as they walked back on board. "Not an idiot except for book stuff."

"Smarter then you let on." River said as she entered the ship and went to the bunks.

Xander looked at her as she left. Her brother said she had times when she was like that. But Simon should try living in a house full of slayers for a month that will show him a thing or two. River isn't broken she smiles she laughs she gets upset. She's a girl you put her in Sunnydale High and she'll just be a girl. Xander went to his own bunk and went for his crate with Willow still out and with River in Serenity he guesses he's on research. He goes into the crate and pulls out the cortex he thinks it's called it's pretty much the equivalent of a kindle tablet on earth that was. He pours himself a drink from his own private stash with nothing more then one bottle a month so he doesn't turn into his father.

Xander held up a glass to himself. "Here's to a long dull evening." Before he can take a drink he hears a woman scream... even worse River scream. Xander dropped his drink not much caring where it landed as he ran out and saw River tear a hole in Serenity and hide. He guesses that's where Mal and the others hide their cargo. He saw Zoe come out and if he didn't know any better he'd swear the Amazon was fighting a smile. "Zoe what did you do to River?"

Zoe put her hand up despite popular belief she enjoys a laugh. "Not me."

Xander shrugged guessing Zoe wouldn't scare unless you attack Wash or do something to set her off. He went where Zoe came from and shouted at the only other person he knew to be on the ship. "Hey shepherd what did you do to my w…whoa." Xander jumped back stunned in silence nearly a decade of fighting demons and nothing could have prepared for seeing the old man like this with his hair straight up. "Did you get struck by lightning and not tell anyone?"

* * *

Jayne looked at his wife dressed in a red shirt open at the front showing cleavage and jeans a smile on her face taliking to Kaylee. Well at least one of the Cobbs is enjoying the fact that there's a statue of him. "Can't be a statue of me don't make no ruttin sense."

Willow shrugged and gave her idea. "Well... if I ever took Mal to my moon he'd be shot on sight. So maybe someone who looks like you did something good and they just have the names mixed up."

Simon took a breath of relief that had to be it. Why else would there be a shrine of Jayne. "Makes perfect sense"

Willow watched as a well dressed man came over and talked to the crew about their newest job. She looked at Simon and saw her spell was starting to weaken as the man walked away.

Simon got to his feet surprised. "Why did I leave River alone?"

"Because you trusted Xander to look out for her." Willow answered.

Kaylee grabbed him by the hand and Willow could see what anyone but Simon could. There is definitely something going on between these two. "Everything's shiny Simon I checked with them not twenty minutes ago. Apparently they're playing a game of monster with Shepherd Book on Serenity."

Everyone took a drink of mudder's milk creating quite a splash from Willow and Simon when the guitarist stared singing. "Jayne \ The man they call Jayne \ He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor \ Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for \ Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \ The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne \Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking \ He saw the Mudders lament \ And he saw the magistrate taking \ Every dollar and leaving five cents \ So he said, 'You can't do that to my people' \ He said..."

Willow and Simon both had open mouth shock. Willow was the first one to speak very weakly. "Uh honey…"

"Yeah Will?"

Willow was too in shock to finish the question so Mal did. "Jayne"

"Yeah, Mal?" Jayne asked.

"You got any light to shed on this development?" Mal asked. This was surprising even to him.

Simon shakes his head and finally forms coherent thought. Maybe he should change River's treatment. "No this is what going mad feels like."

They listen as the song continues. "Now here is what separates heroes \ From common folk like you and I \ The man they call Jayne \ He turned 'round his plane \ And let that money hit the sky."

Jayne rolled his eyes well there's one mystery of money he never spent. "Ohhh, I'll be gorrammed. That's where that cash went. I stole that money from Higgins just like the song says, lifted me one of his hovercraft. But I got tagged by anti-aircraft, started losing altitude. Had dump them strongboxes to stay airborne. Oh...60,000, untraceable. And I drop it right square in the middle of mud-farmer central."

Willow chugged a drink figures. "Girl fights evil for seven years nothing guy drops money to avoid jail instant hero."

Mal face palmed this whole quiet thing isn't going to work now.

Wash sat there with a smile glued to his face as he quipped. "We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero."

They waited for the song to end when it finally did they tried to leave. Stealth was key for the job can't do that with a town hero on your side. Their hopes were quickly killed off when they were greeted by fifty mudders outside. Luckily however Mal has a new plan in his head about how to use this for their own advantage.

* * *

Xander waited outside with Zoe and grandpa troll for lack of a better word his kingdom for a camera. He'd leave to get that device but he doesn't want to leave River. "River are you OK in there?"

"They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger." River's voice echoed through out the ship.

Xander turned to Zoe. "OK I'm going in after her if I don't make it out tell Willow... she still owes me 20 platinum."

Zoe smiled watching Xander go in as his voice started to echo. "OK River why don't you come out."

"No I can't… too much hair."

Zoe chuckles and Xander flat-out laughed as Book looked confused.

"Is that it?" Book asked startled.

"Why do you think I volunteered to go in?" Xander asked.

Zoe finally laughed. "Hell, yes, Preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with them.

Book started to explain. "It's the rules of my order. It symbolizes..."

Zoe just nudged him aside. "Uh huh. River, honey? He's putting the hair away now."

"It'll still be there...waiting." River replied as Mal and Wash came in. Zoe looked at her husband and it was clear he was plastered.

"Honey, we're home!" Wash shouted.

Zoe looked at the two frustrated this was supposed to be a simple pickup. "Where you guys been? Mal, Bernoulli's chomping at the bit. Says he wants his merchandise yesterday."

Mal nodded in understanding just once he'd like a smooth job. "Yeah, well, we still got a few wrinkles to work out on the deal."

Wash turned to Zoe with a smile. "Did you know that Jayne is a bona fide folk hero? Got a song and everything.

Zoe chuckled and looked at him. "What? You been drinking, husband."

"That he has. Don't make it any less the case."

Zoe is still trying to spin her head around this. "You telling me that Jayne..."

Mal stopped her right there. "It's true. True enough - We can use it, anyway. We talked a few pillars of the Mudder community into having a little Jayne Day celebration in town square tomorrow." Wash cracks up, laughing. "It should buy us enough of a distraction to get the stolen goods out from under the foreman and his crew of prods."

Zoe turned to Wash. "You're really going to have to start again. Jayne's a what?"

* * *

The next morning the masked figure's spaceship comes down landing in Canton as it exits the ship. She's still here it can smell it. It cracks its neck left and right and starts his pursuit he still has a job to do.

Xander wakes up very uncomfortable. Did he sleep on a rock? He gets his eye to focus long enough to see he's still in the smuggling area with River asleep in his arms. She was too scared to leave last night so Xander stayed with her. Though looking back it might not have been as much that she was afraid as she wanted to keep him from the dreaded research.

Xander smiled as he saw River start waking up since he started moving. "Good morning."

"What do you mean?" She asked. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?" River answered grumpily. she's not in the best of moods having slept on steel all night.

Xander shrugged in acceptance. When did she ever read The Hobbit? He read it after Lord of the Rings came out good movie but it felt like he was missing bits of story. "I-I... was going to say let's go get a real breakfast and not protein but now I'm just..."

River happily shot out. "Just let me get changed." Xander smiled and walks for his bunk. Willow will telepathically contact him if they're leaving so he's not worried. Xander headed for his bunk and got changed until he heard a swarm of Mandarin from across the hall courtesy of River.

"Simon… ge-ge dresses me like a gorram doll!"

* * *

Jayne woke up after a night of heavy drinking in a bed. He remembers taking a girl up here but not much else. He slowly turns to the spot and quietly mutters. "Don't be Red, Don't be Red." He turns around and doesn't see Willow or anyone else for that matter. Now that his mind is thinking clearly he's pretty sure he brought a brunette up here. "Hello… mudder woman?" He looks through his room and when he can't find her he opens the room next door and sees a sight he might have wanted to join. He sees Willow in a passionate snuggling with the mudder the morning after. Guess she is sly.

Willow's eyes start to focus as she saw Jayne and quickly covered up making sure not to scream. "Get out."

"Stole my gorram girl. What I do to you?"

"Nothing, I just hate you and the girl was really nice." Willow answered.

Jayne watched as she closed the door on his face. "I ain't exactly your number one fan either. But until we can figure out a way out of this we're ruttin stuck with each other."

Willow opens the door already changed. "This has nothing to do with the marriage this is just you. You're a jackass."

"I'm the hero of Canton."

Willow turned to Jayne and the mercenary flinched he could have sworn her eyes turned black for a moment. "You're a jackass. You never cared about anyone outside of yourself. You don't know what it means to be a hero, to spill your blood for someone else or something else instead of lining your pocket. You're just an incompetent jackass that screwed up robbing a bank."

Willow pushed him aside and left leaving Jayne stunned and in thought. He ain't exactly a feather how did she do that?

* * *

Mal saw Willow coming down upset. Looks like Jayne dug up old wounds in her. "Hey you OK little one."

Willow was pacing the floors upset. She hates Jayne even drunk why in all that is holy did she ever sleep with him let alone marry him. "No… I just... you've fought in the war right?"

Mal nodded seeing her face.

Willow continued. "I fought my own battles and I fought along side genuine heroes. Just seeing them have nothing but dirt and fire while Jayne of all people gets announced as a hero takes its toll."

Mal nodded in understanding from the war people on his side should be remembered for their bravery same as alliance but half of history is hiding the truth. "Sometimes heroes ain't about the real deal little one. It's about what the people that believe in them need."

Willow looked at how happy the mudders were. She can see that but it doesn't mean she has to like that. "I'll be on the ship… what's Kaylee so pissed off about?"

"Doc can't keep his mouth shut." Mal replied. "A simple no would have worked is all."

* * *

River and Xander were coming out of the little dive they went to for food a couple eggs, glass of milk good times.

River looked at Xander. "I couldn't find nice clothes."

"Yeah well I think we're heading towards the central worlds next but next time we're on a boarder moon I'll let you buy your own clothes." Xander replied with a smile he can't see anything wrong with her the dress and clothes she's wearing are unique... But she pulls it off wonderfully. "I can't believe Simon actually doesn't let you buy your own clothes."

"He still thinks I'm the same age when I left the academy. Is that weird?" River asked.

Xander shakes his head. "No he just misses simpler times. What he doesn't see however is in those past years you've grown into an incredible woman. I just wish I could find some Ninja turtle clothes to match."

River immediately went for the shin but Xander dodged and caught her before she lost her balance not that she would. River looked up and smiled seeing that he caught her as thier faces get closer but she also senses fear in his mind and sees it in his sole remaining eye. She looks over and sees a man in mask along with a long black duster and gloves.

Xander tried opening and closing his eye trying to wash away the visual but quickly realizes he's real. "River... get back to the ship… right now."

"No" River looked at him but gets nothing as she starts to tremble. "He doesn't say anything... he just exists. How?"

"Ms. Tam this is unexpected." The man said he wasn't expecting to see her here that was Blue's job.

Xander looked at him and tried not to laugh. "What's wrong with your voice it sounds like a thousand nails on the world's biggest chalkboard."

The man didn't give anything away mainly because his voice covered everything up. "And you are beyond the shadow of a doubt the genuine Xander Harris."

Xander turned to River not wanting her here. "River go!"

"No!" River shouted.

The man looked at the two he knows the stories of River. "I promise I'll let her go in exchange for the person you're traveling with."

Xander shakes his head he'll never turn in River or Willow as River looks away. "And I promise to kill you." Xander held up his pistol and shot the man in the chest and in the head for good measure emptying the clip seeing he was wearing armor. He turns to River. "KWAI chur hun-rien duh di fahng."

River doesn't question it this time and starts running not believing what she's seeing. Xander turns around and low and behold the man is pulling himself back to his feet. Xander doesn't say a word but flips the gun holding it as a club in one hand and takes his tomahawk for the other one.

The cloaked man nodded and reached into his coat pocket and pulled out something that resembled an as baton until he pushed a button and it turned into a Bo staff. Xander rushed trying a horizontal slice with the tomahawk while bringing the gun down on his opponent's head.

The masked man used his staff to deflect the tomahawk and quickly dodged the attack with the gun. The man took the opportunity to hit Xander in the stomach with his strength and accuracy Xander fell to his knees dropping his weapons. "Don't interfere."

Xander watched the man start walking in River's direction and quickly shot to his feet and grabbed him by the black duster pulling it over his head and punching him in the face until the cloaked figure got his arms free and threw Xander to the floor. Xander got to his feet and was quickly greeted by another shot to the stomach with the staff as the man spun around and hit him in the back with a resounding thud drowned out by a celebration in town as Xander hit the ground after the masked man swept his legs.

On instinct Xander rolled out of the way of a bo strike that would have crushed his skull as he retook possession of his tomahawk mid roll. When he stopped the man rushed and Xander quickly got to his knees and caught the man in the stomach with it wobbling him to his knees. Xander quickly yanked it out and buried it in the man's skull as fell to the floor dead.

Xander got to his feet. He's going to be feeling this for about a week. Xander rubbed his stomach and the definite bruise on his back guy knew what he was doing. Xander turned to look for River but saw she was already gone.

"Did you really think it would be so easy to hurt me?"

Xander turned around and quietly mouthed crap before he turned around and watched the mask man pull his tomahawk out of his brain. He's going to die from his own axe.

The man dropped the tomahawk and kicked his staff back up to him. "I'm going to beat you until every last ounce of hope you have is gone. Your blood will stain Canton and then you will tell me where to find River and the witch. And only after that last sliver hope in your eye dies then... I will kill you."

Xander frowns realizing he's screwed and he likely didn't even do that good he was just being toyed with by this guy. After all he's killed far better women then him.

* * *

Willow came up to Serenity and smiled coming in at least she can talk to Xander about this. Jayne as bona fide town hero give her a break. She sees it's kind of an empty boat with just Zoe and Book. "Where is everyone?" She didn't turn herself invisible to avoid Jayne did she?

"Most of the crew is in town and Xander and River went for breakfast." Zoe answered.

Willow frowned so no Xander dandy. "Any idea when they might get back."

Book looked past Willow and saw River coming in gasping for breath.

Book was immediately to the girl she looked like she was about to collapse. "River... what happened?"

"Gorram shadow, had no right, it shouldn't be here, shouldn't stand but it does. Empty nothing within"

Zoe looked at her. Great having to figure out where Xander is when River is having a bad day. "River where's your husband?"

River looked to Willow and started talking as she collected breath. "He stayed behind he wouldn't let the shadow take me."

Willow didn't say a word and just took the butcher knife. "River what did this shadow… look like."

"Dark, leather, it wore a mask of colors inspiring fear." River answered.

Willow rolled her eyes that's the last thing she wanted to hear... ever. "OK Book, Zoe you stay with River. I'm going."

Zoe looked at Willow and knew that crazy look from the captain. It was somewhere between big fear and I have to do something despite the big damn fear. "You shouldn't go after this guy alone."

"I have to…. Big time… I have to find him… like nowish." Willow replied running to her case and grabbing an assortment of stakes and spices to Zoë's confusion.

Willow went to leave the ship and Zoe stopped her. "You're going on a moon you've never been on before just wait for the rest of the…"

"I GOTTA FIND HIM!" Willow shouted giving Zoe the resolve face as the first mate backed up backed up. Zoe could have sworn her eyes flashed black. "This is all my fault. I just wanted to help Xander and River now I likely got my best friend killed."

Zoe looked at her for a moment. She really wants her to wait but while it might not have been the unification war both Xander and Willow have warrior eyes. When you can't walk... crawl and when you can't do that. "River came from the west. And considering the kind of shape she was in it wasn't exactly a calm jog…hurry."

Book nodded. "We'll look after River."

Willow wasted no time and ran off Serenity as fast as her legs could take and once she was out of sight she jumped into the sky and let the winds carry her as she flew after Xander. Why in all the terraformed planets was the one thing to survive him?

* * *

Author's notes

thanks for the reviews

**Translations**Ge Ge - Big brother

Bundun - Idiot

KWAI chur hun-rien duh di fahng. - Go far away very fast


	5. Chapter 5

Xander fell and rolled across the floor revealing a split lips as he got to his feet. Xander stood fists up like boxing waiting for the masked man to make his next move. When he doesn't Xander goes for a right cross that man easily catches and counters with a knee to Xander's stomach and his own right cross to the face. Seemingly knocking the former carpenter out.

The masked figure looked down on Xander well he was always the joke of the group but still he put up more a fight then he thought he would. The masked figure looked at Xander and grabbed him by the hair yanking him up only to shout out in pain as a knife punches through the flesh of his leg.

Xander smiled twisting the blade in his opponent's leg the oldest trick in the book. He watches as the masked figures eyes turned yellow. "I knew it!"

The masked figure punches Xander in the face as Xander rolled over to his weapons collecting them ready to fight again.

Xander looked at him. "So that's how the great Twilight is immortal."

Twilight groaned in pain as he pulled the knife out of his leg. "I should really learn to do the damage and get it done. But I haven't had a decent brawl in three hundred years. You don't actually think you can win this do you?"

Xander looked at him with a cold stare. "You're the one lead I have on Buffy. I know I can."

Twilight dodged Xander's tomahawk attack with his staff and caught the gun with his free hand. Xander wasted no time and kicked him in the balls wobbling him for a moment as Xander tried to club him in the face with his pistol but Twilight got his staff up in a straight line and blocked it. Xander acted fast and brought his axe down breaking the staff in half and kicking Twilight in the chest knocking him back and punching him in the face as the masked demon fell to the floor.

Twilight just tossed both broken sticks aside he's done playing childish games. Xander rushed him and he effortlessly stepped aside and caught Xander's arm mid swing and not wasting a moment grabbed his hand and easily broke his arm from an old high school injury as Xander drops his axe.

Xander tried his other arm but Twilight caught it and twisted it forcing him to drop the gun. Xander looked at the vampire and was quickly dropped to the floor with a headbutt as blood started flowing from his nose.

Twilight smiled and held the tomahawk in his hands getting a grip on the weapon. "Custom made right, the girls in Africa loved their watcher. But you're in the black now you should learn to let go of the past." Twilight throws the weapon to the sky as it quickly disappears out of sight.

Twilight turns back and sees Xander try to tackle him but he steps out of the way easily. Xander tries to sweep his leg with a calf kick but the vampire jumped and quickly caught Xander's one good arm and countered with a punch of his own and pulled him to a knee to the stomach and effortlessly knocked Xander down by clothes lining his legs leaving him none to stand on.

Twilight pointed at him. "Stay down and tell me where the witch is or I'll break you in half."

Xander got to his feet and made one last mad dash for the vampire. Twilight kneed him in the stomach and heard something break as it drove all the air of him and hit him in the back of the head one last time knocking him down and out. Twilight smiled and hoisted the carpenter up over his head.

Twilight sensed the witch coming this way. She'll be here just in time to see him die. Twilight's now human eyes widen when he sees just who the witch is as Willow heads at him full speed. "Oh hell"

Willow wraps herself in a mystical barrier and collides into the vampire like a missile forcing him to drop Xander as he rolls on the floor in pain. If he still breathed he'd bet he'd be gasping for breath right now.

Willow ran over to Xander and looked at him his one good eye is swelling some of his ribs are broken and he's bleeding all over the place from the face. "Xander… Xander wake up don't you dare leave me here alone."

"I-I'd never dream of it." Xander weakly quipped.

Willow smiled until she saw Twilight getting back to his feet. Willow got Xander's arm under her and tried to pull him up but no go. There's a cave not that far from here and that should serve her purposes. Willow surrounded Xander in mystical energy and easily pulled him up because he's too heavy to fly with as dead weight Twilight will catch them. "On your feet soldier… ON YOUR FEET!"

Xander weakly hopped along with Willow as Twilight finally recovered and gave chase walking behind them.

* * *

The crew made it back to Serenity as Zoe looked on seeing them carry in the shipment but Jayne looked troubled.

Mal looked at Zoe. "What's going on? Where are the others?"

* * *

Twilight entered the cave looking for what is likely the last two council members. He looked around calmly and let his nose take over. He smiled smelling Xander but the one eyed man quickly took the opportunity to shoot him from the the cave as the man approached. Xander put his gun away and tried for a stake but was easily hoisted up by his throat as he dropped it. Xander moved his one good arm with everything he had but all he could do was rip something off of Twilight's sleeve as the vampire threw him into the cave wall as he slammed into it and hit the ground. He'll be easier to interrogate then Ms. Rosenberg. Twilight kicked him in the side so hard he soared through the air and out of the cave and gasped for breath.

Twilight went further into the cave and saw a fireball go for him but quickly go straight up and hit the ceiling. Twilight entered the cavern Willow was in as she continued her barrage of fireballs energy balls and lightning getting more desperate by the moment.

Twilight looked at her while calmly walking to her and held up a medallion. "Have you forgotten witch I'm immune to your powers."

Willow had a simple smile looking up at what she did. "Oh I'm counting on it."

Twilight looked up and saw all the damage Willow's mystical attacks have done to the ceiling as the red headed witch quickly moves her hand and causes a tremor as all the debris starts falling down leveling the cave.

Twilight jumped over and tackled the witch to the floor pinning her down. "Are you insane? You'll bury us both."

"No I won't." Willow smiled at him. "You're immune to my powers remember." Willow teleported out and Twilight remained silent as he was hit by falling rocks.

Willow emerged out the cave and quickly hit the ceiling of the entrance with a fireball causing a cave in. She walked over to Xander and helped him up. He's definitely looked better.

"Did you kill him?" Xander asked.

Willow shakes her head she's no slayer and Twilight is very well protected against her magic so a strength spell won't work. "No, but it will be a couple days before he causes trouble again."

Willow got Xander over her shoulder and supported him as they went back for the ship.

Xander looked at the cave and frowned. "You realize we probably just buried any chance we had of finding out about what happened to Buffy right?"

Willow nodded exhausted. "What can I say I'd rather have you in the present, and then learn about the past? So did masked man tell you anything useful?"

Xander hopped along. "Actually yes, Twilight is a vampire and I think he works for these guys."

Willow held out her hand as Xander put what he took from Twilight into it a little company patch from his jacket. "Blue sun… I'll look into it when we get back on board."

Willow smiled seeing Serenity right above them and floating down as the door opened as Jayne and Mal came out. Jayne went right over to Xander and took him off Willow as he helped him to the infirmary.

Mal looked at the two recruits he has to say these two are full of surprises Xander looks like he stepped on a mine but Willow doesn't have a scratch on her. "So what happened to your masked friend Zoe told us about?"

"He's contained for now… he'll get free but not for two or three days." Willow answered. "You want to throw us off we wouldn't blame you."

Mal looked at her even before this she was having a rough day they don't need any more coming down on them besides the way the Tams were freaked out that guy was definitely Alliance. "Get on board Mrs. Cobb."

Willow glared at him but it was a happy glare as she got on board followed by Mal as Serenity closed up and went to the black.

* * *

Kaylee exited the infirmary and looked at River she never left his sight but she never went into the room either. "He's going to be OK. Why don't you go in sweetie between Jayne and the Captain nothing will hurt you in there."

River nodded. "He got you a compression coil it's in his bag in the cargo room." River went to the room and Kaylee smiled hearing that it's been six months since she wanted to get it replaced.

River walked into the room and looked to her brother as Mal and Willow came in.

"So what's the word is he going to live?" Mal asked.

Simon nodded looking over his injuries. "Whoever did this was a professional. He did plenty of damage but nothing life threatening he cracked some ribs and a broken arm along with a lot of bruises but nothing permanent. What concerns me are the injuries he already has."

They all look down on Xander and it's a wide array of scars on him. Book even mutters in Mandarin a bit from the sight as Inara looks away, to Jayne they mostly look like knife wounds and deep cuts.

Simon looks at Xander's arm. "This arm has been broken twice already."

Willow nodded. "First time was when Buffy's ex boyfriend Angel sent a gang on PCP after us. I got a nice concussion from it."

"And the second time he broke his arm?" Simon asked.

Willow smiled looking down at him. "Oh he was dating a girl named Anya. Her ex boyfriend was so insane he was trying to get him to choose who to kill me or her. Xander chose neither of us to stall for time and Olaf broke his arm for it."

Mal looked at the kid silently earning a mark of respect for him. "So why was he attacked today."

"The same reason as before." River answered. "The masked man went after me and Willow he chose neither."

Simon looked at River. "Wait the guy that attacked you might have been alliance."

River nodded but focused on Xander. "He never chose and he never would."

Inara looked at Xander then Willow. She knows there is much more then that but right now they want to keep quiet… so they're definitely on the right ship for it. "So is that guy going to come back?"

Willow shakes her head. "Not anytime soon, he's after me but an ex boyfriend taught me how to avoid him."

Jayne looked at her curiously. "What's this about a boyfriend reckon you were sly?"

Willow shrugged. "I didn't know I liked girls yet."

Inara looked at the redhead carefully. She wonders why she's so obsessed with labels, Inara wonders if she even knows she's just bisexual. "So what can we do?"

Mal looked to the crew. "Ain't much we can do now I wager, just let the doc do his work. All of you have jobs to do or places to be get to them."

* * *

Willow walked into a different room deciding to let Xander sleep after Simon doped him and saw Jayne leaning on the catwalk. Mal told her about the events of Jayne day and the person that got killed saving Jayne's life. Willow walked over then leaned on the railing keeping her husband company.

Jayne looked at his wife and was trying to make sense of what happened out there. "Don't make no sense. What...Why the hell did that Mudder have to go and do that for, wife? Jumping in front of that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of them understood what happened out there. They're probably sticking that statue right back up."

Willow shrugged. "It was probably back up before we even left."

"I don't know why it eats at me so." Jayne replied having sent others to die in his place before.

Willow patted Jayne on the shoulder and gently rubbed it trying to do something for him. "The last place Xander was in before we started moon hopping was a barren land. I came by, and by freak chance it suddenly started to rain. Woke up the next day everyone was worshiping me. Which I am as far away from deserving of it as you get I killed people and I nearly killed a girl who was like a daughter to me twice. Also at our house in Rome there was a mural for four guys worshiping them as heroes when we got there when the truth was all they did was traumatize a teenage girl called Sineya so bad they made River look like Kaylee. How I have it figure out every statue was a bad guy at some point or in some view. It's not about you Jayne it's about what they need."

"Don't make no sense." Jayne repeated.

Willow looked at him she's seen enough death to know that. "It never does."

* * *

Xander opened his eye feeling miserable but the bright side was he stayed conscious until doc sedated him so it doesn't count as a knock out. OK why can't he feel his arms he knows broke one but he should still be able to use the other one. He looks down and sees clear as day why River fell asleep on it.

River opens her eyes and smiles seeing Xander awake. "You came back."

Xander smile looking at her. "You stayed with me I thought you hated the infirmary?"

"You were very quiet and it was very peaceful." River replied thankful for the quiet even if it was here.

Xander nodded looking at her knowing she's still uncomfortable here. "Well I'm awake now you don't have to stay here."

River smacked him in his good arm. "In sickness and in health bundun."

Xander looked at her, his crazy blunt wife. "Well thank you for staying with me Kaylee told me you hate this place."

"Protected me from the shadow. I couldn't see him because he was a vampire right?" River asked.

Xander thought on it but wasn't sure what to say. "Honestly you have to ask Will on that one."

River leaned back with Xander being careful to avoid the ribs Twilight cracked in their fight as she rubbed against him snuggling close. Xander did anything to take his mind off it flashing back to what Buffy picked up when she was a mind reader.

River calmly looked at him and finished. "Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall."

Xander laughed and then quickly held his ribs. "Oh god don't make me laugh, don't make me laugh." He pleaded as she smiled taunting him well if he ever needed an answer to the reader question he got it. He watched River stand up getting out of the bed. Xander fought through a bit of pain and grabbed River by the arm. "Thank you for staying with me."

River smiled and ran a hand over his face. "You protected me like a good husband and you make me smile."

Xander cupped her face in his one good hand. "Couldn't let you get taken away." Their faces get closer and he realizes what's about to happen. "We should really sto…" The next words and thoughts were taken out of Xander's mind as he felt River's lips press against his own wanting entrance.

* * *

Willow came down to the infirmary with a smile talking to Kaylee. Both girls look into the infirmary and were taken back seeing River kissing Xander his one good arm pulling her closer as their tongues entwine. Willow had a quiet knowing smile and Kaylee looked some what upset.

Willow looked at the mechanic just like Simon. "You can't be serious… River is a full grown woman."

"No, it's not that." Kaylee assured her in a little weakened whine. "It's just three weeks and they're already kissin' meanwhile four months with the doc now and I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries! Those two are going to consummate the marriage before Simon even makes a gorram move."

Willow scratched her head she is trying to think of the right thing to say but she has nothing. "Well… let's just say hello for now and take some pleasure in breaking up the smoochies since the rest of the crew is coming. And give them a hard time about it later."

Kaylee and Willow enter as Xander and River quickly detach.

Xander looked down and saw a bottle in Kaylee's hand. "Hey Kaylee… what's that?"

Kaylee looked at the bottle and gave her usual smile as she remembers why she was coming with Willow ahead of everyone else in the first place. "Oh this, it's a present for the coil and the strawberries in the wooden box."

"Well at least I'll have something to disinfect the wounds with." Xander quipped.

"Don't knock it." Kaylee warned its better then most of the stuff out here.

Xander smiled. "What the alcohol can disinfect me from the inside, thank you Kaylee."

Willow had a smile putting something down as she had her own idea.

Xander looked and saw the research computer thing that he ditched for River. "Research, Will there's a lot of other ways to say get well soon."

Willow looked at him with a light resolve. "Like I'd be so cruel it's all of your favorite books and movies just a click away."

Xander smiled. "You have and will always be my goddess."

"I try." Willow replied.

"Wait won't this get us in trouble with Twilight?" Xander asked

Willow shakes her head. "I did it while we were leaving Canton he won't be able to track it."

Xander nodded. "Just one last thing… what did you put Jurassic Park on?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "Movie and book I know it's your favorite."

Mal came in at that last part with the rest of the crew wanting to know what they're dealing with. "What's Jurassic Park?"

Willow and Xander share significant looks with each other. Xander had a smile he has seen this movie enough times to spin it. "It's a movie and a book set on a central planet where some rich bundun had it in his head to resurrect the dinosaurs."

River had a smile and laughed. "Sorry, lawyer got eaten on the toilet by a T-Rex."

Xander chuckled but held his side regretting it. "That's my favorite part too."

"Can I borrow it when you're done?" Wash asked to Zoë's annoyance.

Xander went to get up but found he was easily held down by Simon. "Well, this is embarrassing."

"I want you to spend the night in the infirmary in case your injuries are worse then they appear."

"Aye, aye Doc." Xander replied.

Mal looked at him. "Speaking of your injuries care to tell us about the man who gave them to you?"

Xander turned to Willow and she whispered in his mind. 'We can't tell them that Twilight is at least five hundred years old.'

'Well we gotta tell them something.' Xander pointed out.

Mal has seen enough of this for the past three weeks. "No, no more eye conversations speak with your mouths reckon that's what they're there for."

Xander looked at the captain. "His name is well… we don't really know but he calls himself Twilight also he seemed a lot weaker then he was back home. That was like the diet coke version of Twilight."

Zoe looked at Xander and can see the soldier look in his eye. "And where is home exactly."

Willow was set to go on a ramble. "Well something bad very bad happened and…"

Xander managed to get his arm up and stop the rant by putting it over her mouth. "No more rambling today huh Will. Home is a sore subject for us. So can we just drop it."

Mal frowned but buried it for now. Though something isn't right about them. "So what does your friend want?"

"Me" Willow answered solemnly. Even with their planet gone it seems that Twilight is still trying to bring about the end of magic.

Mal looked at her. "Will he find you again?"

Willow shakes her head. "No, now that I know he's still alive I know how to stay hidden."

Mal nodded they're all running from something in one way or another. "We'll let you patch yourselves up then."

Xander leaned back with River and started the movie as the two were left alone in the infirmary. Simon was the last one but with all of Xander's injuries he knew nothing could happen tonight.

* * *

Wash came in to the dining hall a couple weeks later. They had dropped off Cargo and collected new things and new cargo as he came in and heard the group having one big dinner together sharing a laugh from a story by Shepherd Book. "I want to hear about the natty thing." Wash says as he sits down next to his wife. "What was natty?"

"Shepard Book was just telling us funny stories bout his days at the monastery." Kaylee explained.

"Monastic humor, I miss out on all the fun." Wash complained looking down at the empty serving dishes. "And all the food apparently…"

"Just who do you think you're married to?" Zoe said as she pulls a napkin off a plate to reveal it full of food.

"I love my wife." Wash gushes as he starts eating.

"So, we gotta course set?" Mal asked.

"We do. Took a little creative navigating, but we should make it all the way to Greenleaf without running afoul of any Alliance patrols. Or a single living soul, for that matter." Wash answered.

"Good." Mal replied finally embracing some peace. "How it should be."

"Course what should be an 18 hour trip is gonna take the better part of a week." Wash added.

"We're in no rush." Mal replied. "I like an easy, languorous journey."

Kaylee laughed wondering who this guy is. "What would that be like, I wonder?" Kaylee starts to clear the dishes off the table.

"Let me help you with that." Simon said as he starts to stand up.

"I got it." Kaylee replied, indicating that he should sit down. "Who's next?"

Mal turns to look at Willow and Xander. "I think our new recruits should tell us a story."

Willow was nervous but is trying to find a story that doesn't involve the d word so much. "Oh… OK, well on our moon there was a musical medallion."

Xander's eye widened as he turned to Willow. "That's the story you're going with?"

"It's funny." Willow defended her choice.

"It's embarrassing." Xander countered. "Will, the more people you tell that story to the more people I have to kill."

Willow ignored him and turned to the others. She likes the story more that she knows the actual truth now. "Well anyway there was a medallion on our moon that legend had that if you used it you would have to marry this ugly baron. And unknown to us Dawn who was like a little sister and a daughter to us had stolen the medallion because she was going through this klepto phrase and used it."

Xander turned to River. "I thought I told her to stop."

River stared at him and kissed him on the cheek. "It's a good story."

Xander saw Simon and the doctor just let it go for now of course he also doesn't know they moved on to actual kissing either. So all he had to do was fight a big bad, break an arm, and dislocate a few ribs while protecting River. If he knew that he would have done this a lot earlier.

"So anyway as it ends up the whole baron thing was true and of course Dawn didn't want to go through with it. So when the baron showed up to collect Xander just put his hand up and said it was him to protect Dawnie."

Xander groaned seeing the whole crew burst into laughter.

Inara looked at him laughing. "What did you do when he showed up?"

"What do you think I did?" Xander asked now with a smile of his own. "I stood there and prayed he wasn't sly."

Wash was cracking up at the story. "Xander, you would make a very nice manwife. So the guy never made a try for Dawn."

"Dawn's big sister is...was was unbelievably scary. He probably just tried to save face and fled." Xander replied.

They all watch as the lights flicker on and off and Mal turns to his engineer. "Alright little Kaylee what was that?"

They all turned to Kaylee and Simon saw something resembling a birthday cake. "No biggee Captain everything's shiny. Serenity is just reacting since I switched out the compression coils an hour ago."

They all nod and go back to dinner celebrating Simon's birthday as Kaylee brings out a birthday cake.

* * *

Author's notes

Thanks for the reviews

If Mal didn't dig hard at Book's past I see him doing the same for Xander and Willow.

I know, I know Xander did it in cannon but Xander hated magic thanks to the roofie spirit. He snapped at Willow for the delusting spell among other things so I figured while Xander wouldn't Dawn who was doing anything to get Buffy to notice her would and Xander lied to cover for her. And since Spike had just gotten Buffy to just exist until she was ready to live again Sweet took the out and left.


	6. Chapter 6

Xander sat down with Jayne at the table; He's officially convinced that a Firefly is the Ford Pinto of spaceships. They had a party for doc last night and according to Kaylee the coil is doing its job but with a bad catalyzer the ship could have killed them all in their sleep. Xander's face contorts from his spot he was reading The Lost World but his nose just... dear god. "What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?"

Kaylee turned to him while talking to Inara. "Simon's cooking. Isn't that nice of him."

Xander rolled his eyes and went back to his book. "Smells like street tar."

Kaylee opened her mouth upset. "Well Jayne obviously doesn't mind."

"I think it smells like crotch." The Merc countered.

Xander smiled and saw River walk up to him with a knife in hand seemingly heading for Jayne, and quickly got up to meet her. "Let's go get some drinks; I need something to go along with Simon's…meal?"

River put the knife down and followed realizing what she was about to do. "I still say he looks better in red."

"I'm sure Willow will agree with you but for now let's just get those drinks I'm famished." Xander countered as he led her to the fridge and quickly out of the dining area.

* * *

Xander led River into Willow's bunk. River idly followed behind as he pulled Willow out of her haze. "Willow, we kind of have a problem."

Willow sighed Xander knows without magic she needs to meditate this better be good. "What kind of problem?"

"Well, River might have tried to attack Jayne with a butcher knife." Xander replied.

Willow's eyes lit up as she's definitely back on Serenity now. "What do you mean attack Jayne with a knife?"

Xander sat Willow down and explained the situation. Willow sighed and yeah Jayne was getting cut if Xander wasn't there. Willow listened to everything and only one clear thought enter her mind. "We have to tell Simon and Mal. You might not be there next time she attacks."

River shrugged and started out of the bunk as she walked towards Simon's bunk until she walked right into Jayne and just backed away quietly as Xander approached behind her. River quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a stake.

Jayne barely had time to react and backed away as River tried to swing at him but was pushed into the wall by Xander.

"River, no"

River looked at Jayne's chest. "He looks better in red."

Xander looked at Jayne and more specifically the blue sun logo on his chest. He quickly led her away from the merc fearing what she would do if given the chance.

Jayne watched as Willow came out of the bunk. "What, the hell was that?"

Willow shrugged and started to explain. "Oh, River was trying to attack you. Don't take it personal."

"With a wooden stake?" Jayne asked.

"We don't believe in tazers where we're from." Willow replied.

Jayne quickly put the picture together. "Gorram girl was going to kill me."

Willow quickly shook her arms frantic. "No, well, stab you maybe, but not intentionally."

"Some day, you can explain to me how that's a good thing." Jayne countered leaving the room and undoubtedly heading for Mal.

Willow sighed she can't do much without magic. She sees the shirt and realizes Blue Sun again so she calmly replied as he leaves. "At least change your shirt when you talk to Mal.

* * *

Willow sat in he main hall with Simon and Xander as Jayne ran everything through with Mal. "Both of them have gotta go Ariel is as good a place as any, might even pick us up a reward for our trouble."

Mal looked at Jayne not changing. "No ones getting left."

Jayne glared at him. "She belongs in a bughouse. You don't pitch her off this boat right now, I swear to you..."

Xander took that moment and got right in Jayne's face. "What Jayne, you'll do what?"

Mal watched as both Xander and Jayne closed fists and ready to come to blows.

Willow saw it and got between the two she's pretty sure a fight between them would leave nothing but a bloody room and both of them in the infirmary. "Hey, macho off, or goddess help me I will put you both in the infirmary."

Xander backed away and Jayne turned to Mal and added. "They don't get gone; you better start locking up your room at night. Next time little sister gets in a murdering mood, might be you she comes calling on. Maybe Kaylee, Inara." He turns to Willow. "Or her husband, you let them stay, we're gonna find out."

Mal leaned in and stared at Jayne very closely any trace of emotion gone from his face. "This is my boat. They're part of my crew. No one's getting left. Best you get used to that."

Jayne didn't say a word and left unhappily shoulder bumping Xander enough to knock him back. Xander looks at him for a moment but lets it go. Jayne is the last thing on his mind right now.

Mal walks over to Simon. "She's to stay confined to her room, at all times, no exceptions." Simon nods, unhappily. "Take her to the kitchen, the infirmary,  
whatever, you ask me first, understand?"

"I do." Simon replied.

"When I took you and your sister in, the deal was you keep her in check. You can't hold up your end, we're going to have to revisit the deal." Mal added.

Simon nods and looks down and Mal looks away.

"She's getting worse isn't she?" Mal asked.

"Xander being around helps her sad to say, but I don't even know what it is they did to her." Simon answered.

Mal turned around and watched Xander walking away. "And where do you think you're going?"

"Well call me crazy, but I thought I might go check in with my wife." Xander answered.

Mal shakes his head. "She's confined."

"Not to me."

"Yes to everyone."

"Chur-ni dah Caleb!" Xander shouted as he rubbed his head. "I meant Captain at the end. And I'm still going you want to stop me, shoot me."

Willow watched as Xander left. "I'll talk to him after he cools down. I really think this is just whatever the academy did to her and if anyone can get her to crack about them it's probably him."

* * *

Xander came down to River's bunk and saw her lying down in bed holding her head. "What are you doing?"

"Keeping out the fear."

Xander hopped on the bed and laid down next to her. "Look at us sharing a bed."

River looked at him for a moment before she smiled. "Please remove your clothing."

The two shared a laugh knowing neither means anything by it as Xander regains control. "You know if you ever want to talk about what happened there."

River shook her head and started twitching. "I can't it's too much… they cut and they stole and no matter what he does he can't fix me."

Xander put his arms around her waist and hugged her resting his head gently on her shoulder. "Well between me, you and the wall I don't think there's anything to fix that you can't fix yourself in time. We all have our off days, besides all my family have at least tried to kill people once."

River smiled and turned her head and kissed him. "That's why I chose you."

* * *

Willow walked with Kaylee. The mechanic is quickly becoming her best friend on this boat which is actually kind of emptying out. Book is off meditating and Inara just left for a physical. She heads down to River's bunk and Kaylee decided to side with the doctor and River on this one.

Kaylee opened the bunk and got a clear eyed view of River and Xander making out. "Wow, look at them go."

Xander broke the kiss almost blushing and River had a quiet smile.

Willow smiled she knows what they've been up to but now he knows she knows which now means she can make a lot more fun of him. "Well, well, well"

"Willow, what are you doing here?" Xander asked.

Willow looked at knowing he's so busted. "You mean besides catching you mid smoochies."

Xander rolled his eye he really should have kept an ear out on his bunk. "We were playing cards."

Kaylee looked at the bed and saw Xander's side had a small pile of cards scattered about along with River's with a much bigger pile of cards with royalty on them with cards she's never seen before. "What, exactly are you playing?"

"War" Xander answered. "Highest card wins and yes, it's the only game I can think of where she won't cheat Will."

"Bitch, bitch, bitch" River teased in a deadpan matter.

They all looked up as Mal stuck his head in. "Kaylee get up here, we might have a job and you'll never believe who's hiring us."

Kaylee and Willow both head up and River looks uneasy as Xander puts his hand on her shoulder. "Are you OK?"

River looked at him but looked away. "Simon wants me too sleep."

Xander nodded he ever gets his hands on anyone from the academy there will be hell to pay. "I won't leave your side until you wake up."

River went up and Xander followed after her.

* * *

Xander and River joined everyone and to their surprise it's Simon with a job offer for them.

The whole crew sans Book and Inara are all staring at Simon not believing this. Mal had to repeat it just to make certain. "You have a job for us."

"One that will pay for itself ten times over." Simon assured them holding out a vial. "Do you know what this is?" Simon doesn't hear anyone answer so just explains. It's a common immune booster called isoprovaline. Street value for a dosage this size, fifty platinum, maybe twenty credits." He runs down three more drugs and waits as Mal, Zoe, and Jayne each take a vial.

"It's always the quiet ones." Xander quipped. "He used to be such a good kid."

Simon rolled his eyes at the words of… oh god, his brother in law. He quickly focuses back on his plan. "These are just from the med kit I had when I came on board. At a hospital like the one in Ariel City, they'll have shelves of that stuff. Whatever the take, it's more than enough payment for what I have in mind."

"The med vault isn't the job?" Willow asked that's enough to make them all rich right there.

Simon shakes his head he's no thief. "That's the payment. I tell you how to get in, get out, and what's worth taking; if you help me get River into  
the hospital's diagnostic ward."

"What's in the diagnostic ward?" Willow asked curious to see how far science has come in five hundred years.

"A 3-D neuroimager." Simon answered. "If I can get River in there, I might be able to figure out what they did to her at the Academy."

Xander put a hand up. "Not to rain on your crime parade here, Don Tam, but you can't get River to hold still in the infirmary, how are you going to get her to hold still in a hospital?"

Simon looked at her. "Because the person who has kept her calm since he married her won't be three feet from her."

Xander looked at him last time he woke up in a hospital his left eye never opened again. "Well, what if I have issues with a hospital?"

Zoe never took her eyes off the drug and patted him on the shoulder sarcastically. "There, there"

Xander glared at her and with Zoë's face he honestly can't tell if that was serious or sarcasm.

Mal turned to Simon. "So we get you and your sister into the whatchathing and you tell us how to clean out the hospital."

"Yes."

Kaylee looked at the group nervously. She always though of the crew as puckish rogues more then hardened criminals. "Not to be negative, but, don't the hospital need that medicine?"

Zoe shakes her head. "Government run facility. They'd be restocked in a matter of hours."

"She's right. They'll never miss it." Simon added.

Mal nodded in agreement especially since it means walking right up to an alliance door and kicking it on on their heads. "Plus, folks on the rim sure could use it."

Wash looked at the group this is new for him. "You know, it's all very sweet; stealing from the rich, selling to the poor, but you're talking about breaking into a highly secure Alliance facility. How do you on plan getting around security?"

Simon reaches over and takes the vials from the others. "It's not easy; but it can be done. You see, like all Core hospitals, St. Lucy's has its own dedicated security force."

Xander looked around and saw Willow. "What?" He saw Willow leave and follow her.

* * *

Xander went down with Willow to her bunk. "Will, what if I was having private thoughts in there?"

"You don't think I know when you do?" Willow asked.

Xander looked at her not believing she risked a bit of magic. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Jayne's shirt."

Xander looked at his best friend in confusion. "Will, whatever you and Jayne get up to that's your business." Xander looked at Willow and could have sworn her hair flashed black. "I'll be good."

"Jayne was wearing a blue sun shirt. I think that's what River was attacking. Has she told you anything about the academy?"

Xander thought on this and replied. "She said they took something out of her. That no one can fix her because nothing was broken just stolen."

Willow thought on that maybe she's a reader because they lobotomized her. "Well we won't really know until we get her to Ariel. But on the bright side you're already going."

Xander looked at her and was confused seeing the crew getting ready for the job. "And how do you think you're getting in with the rest of us. Especially with the forced no magic policy because nothing says subtle like Twilight crashing through a hospital rooftop"

"I'll think of something." Willow assured him. "Even without magic I always had my ways."

Xander nodded as he got to her feet. "I'm going to lounge in the ship a bit."

* * *

Xander came down to River's bunk and it didn't take him long to see that she's upset as Simon leaves holding his shin. "So I take it the doc told you his 'brilliant' plan?"

"He wants to see what's missing." River replied sitting down on the bed.

Xander sat down next to her. "Well maybe it will be useful and the crew is… alright with sneaking."

River looked at him. "He's going to suspend cerebral, cardiac, and pulmonary activity in order to induce a proto-comatose state… he's going to knock us out and put us to sleep."

"That's his plan." Xander confirmed now that he knew what she was talking about.

River looked at him getting more and more upset with each word. "I don't want to do it; I don't want to go to that place, I don't want to die."

Xander hugged her and whispered in her ear. "No one is going to die. We'll sleep we'll wake up, maybe I'll even have Willow stack us when your brother isn't looking. Maybe even talk Jayne into giving your brother a tattoo of Kaylee's name." River tried to fight off the smile but it broke through. "See, no biggie."

River smiled and kissed him as the two fell back on the bed. River rolled them over so she was now straddling him and bent her face down for another kiss as Xander's hands roamed on their own until they ran down her arms and shoulder reaching her back and pulling her closer as his kisses moved onto her neck and someone cleared their throat.

Kaylee looked at them with a smile. "Simon's going to be down here in a few minutes to knock you two out."

Xander searched for the right words but found nothing "OK, good to know. I'm going to get a drink."

"Yeah, you can use something to cool off." Kaylee teased though this only confirms it. She gives it a week two at the most before they're sleeping together. But Willow's right it is fun to tease people especially when catching them in the smoochies as she calls it but her eyes turn to River. "You really like him don't you… I mean you were about to sleep with him right here."

River looked at her for a moment calmly before replying. "At least it's not the engine room with a complete stranger."

Kaylee turned a bright shade of red while she practically fled the bunk, how the hell did she know that? River smiled seeing she got a bit of payback at the mechanic for chasing off her husband.

* * *

Willow walked into the room and Simon looking like he could slam his head into the wall until the madness stopped. Willow watched as the scene replayed again and again as she quickly got what the crew was supposed to be saying and just rolls her eyes and groans in disgust at the latest show. "You guys are just bad at the whole acting thing huh."

Mal looked at her exhausted. "You think you can do better young one."

Willow nods her head without hesitation. "I know I can Captain grumpy, I'm one with the medical lingo.'

Jayne glared at the woman he married. "Then let's hear it wifey."

Willow turned to Simon and started in a complete deadpan. "The patients were cyanotic and non-responsive. We used pulmonary stimulators, cardiac infusers and cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural response or resuscitate them."

Mal, Zoe and Jayne each stare in awe at Willow they've been at this for two hours and she just nailed all three of their parts in two minutes. Mal looked at her confused but was the first to speak. "So, how do you feel about illegal acts?"

"I killed two people in cold blood." Willow offered.

* * *

Author's Notes

Thanks for the reviews

I've tried Out of Gas but since it's mainly everyone else's origins I couldn't find anything useful in it but maybe I'll come back to it.

The one line muttered by Xander is screw you.

Up Next: Two by two hands blue.


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